Say The Name

Don't Listen (물래 듣지 마요)

Sometime in 2017

I have found that if you say a phrase over and over, it begins to lose it's meaning.

Hello, my name is Jeonghan. I am gay and I am a kpop idol.

Hello, my name is Jeonghan. I am gay.

Hello, my name is Jeonghan.

Just Jeonghan.

See? Its lost its meaning.

This, at least, is what I told myself for the longest time. For some of you, it may not make sense, but, for Koreans, such as myself, this is all to true: I live in a very conservative society. I work in a very rule regulated business. If I so much as step one toe out of line, I'm done.

This is what I thought, until Choi Seungcheol took the reigns.

"S.Coups oppa, what's your ideal type?" A fan asked once.

"Jeonghan." He replied with confidence.

"S.Coups oppa, why do you always smell Jeonghan's hair?"

"Its for stage effect. Acting." He answered, a laugh giving away the fib.

He would make answers like that often, teetering between real truth and bended truth. It confused my brain, made me question myself and my feelings.

But, ever since trainee days, S.Coups has been touchy-feely with me. He's always been the one to make the first moves. His head was always propped on my shoulder, it was always I he was draped over. When we ate, he would feed me. When I wasn't paying attention, he was the one to grab my hand and lead me to the right direction.

S. Coups and I had a heart-to-heart talk today. Here's how it went:

I was alone in the small room that branches off of our main studio. The walls are still as green as they were three years ago, although we would like to add a Carat-inspired mural...

Anyway, I was fiddling around with my guitar. Woozi's always so busy writing the music, I figured it was time to make my own contribution.

All of a sudden, the door flew open with a bang! I almost dropped my guitar the noise startled me so much.

S.Coups stood over me, his arms hanging by his sides, a SnapBack tilted back on his silver-haired head. He was breathing heavy and slightly red in the face.

"Jeonghan?"

I set my guitar in its case and slowly stood up. "Mwo?" I responded tentatively. I was immediately jumping to conclusions: Dino aegi didn't get the university scholarship. Wonwoo's stomach is bothering him again. Josh wants to put his pizza song on the next album...

"Jeonghan." S.Coups started again, "Jeonghan..."

I brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. "Coups, what is it?" I pressed him. "I'm getting nervous."

If you're reading this, you must be a Carat. If you're reading this, I sure hope you watch K-dramas. Otherwise you won't believe what happened next. All I know is that S.Coups has been watching too much TV.

Next thing that happened, S.Coups pushed me to the wall. I had no choice but to look into his steady eyes. One hand rested on my chest, the other slammed the wall beside me.

"Jeonghan, I love you."

My breath caught in my teeth and my tongue forgot to move with my lips. My brain swapped places with my heart and my hands began to sweat. "Nan –" I tried to start, "Na – neo –"

S.Coups let the hand on my chest drop, but he didn't make a move to give me any space. He licked at the tip of his lip. "Say something I'm giving up on you." He said in carefully rehearsed English.

"I'll be the one if you want me to." I stumbled back.

A laugh broke across his face. "Ani ani. That's a sad song. I –" his glance met my stare, "I, uh,"

"Saranghae." The word was like a two ton burden being lifted off of my shoulders. I sighed with relief and reached out to pull him close.

His hand, which had held the wall, slipped around my neck. He lifted his head near my ear. "Saranghae." He whispered, the heat of his breath made my skin tingle and dance. "Saranghae forever and ever."

In his arms, I was his and he was mine. My fingers zinged with electricity as they felt every muscle and vein in his back and arms.

His lips grazed my neck. A smile shone on my face as he worked his way to my chin and then my lips. "Neoui nun, ko, ib, your touch that used to touch me to the ends of my fingertips." He sang into my skin.

The thrill was short lasting as negatives jumped into the excitement of the moment. My breath seized, my hands grasped at his biceps and pulled him away. I couldn't look at the confused hurt on his face.

"What's wrong, Hannie?" He tried to console me, but I held him out at arms length.

"Shhh." I shushed him. "This is a one time thing, okay? No one will know about this." S.Coups opened his mouth to protest. "No one." I reiterated. "Not our dongsaengs not PD-nim, not anybody in Pledis nor the industry nor our parents. Nobody."

I prayed that he would agree and apologize and we would move on as normal, but instead he planted his feet and folded his arms. "Not acceptable. Don't you know the movement that's coming? You know Jimin and Jungkook hoobaenims? The #Jikook'sARMY started by Jackson and Amber? The Love Revolution that's slowly making ripples through the industry?"

I nodded.

S.Coups squeezed my shoulder. "Don't listen to the doubters. Don't listen to anyone or anything except your heart and my words. We are part of the revolution. Change is a struggle at first, but I assure you, years from now you'll be grateful you did this. Think of how many Carats we'll inspire and empower by our unfailing love."

My smile returned, "You had me at Carat."

This time, I was the one to make the first move. I released my hands from his arms and brought him back against me. I kissed his hair and brows, lingering each time as if it were my last.

We were so wrapped up in each other, we didn't hear the door creak open. Someone gasped, another sniggered. Yet another voice shushed the other two. Three pairs of feet shuffled back out of the room. We could hear Seungkwan shouting, "Family meeting! I saw Mommy kissing Daddy!"