Almost is Never Enough

Almost is Never Enough

" I'm sorry," I wailed. My life is horrible behind closed doors. The eyes of a man, whose heart is possessed by the devil himself. "I'm sorry," I said once more as my throat began to tighten. A rose of death cast upon my body. "If you leave, I'll kill you," he whispered in my ear. My eyes widen, as he lets go of me. He smirks at my defeated spirit. The tears of my cries would never be heard. The eyes of the demon would be a deadly secret, but the bruises upon my body, soul, and heart shall be hidden but never forgotten.

"I'm sorry Aaliyah, baby you know I am," he says to me. I nodded, knowing this would happen once more. "I just don't want you to leave me. Every person I love always end up leaving me". I nodded without making eye contact. I'm afraid of him. I can't even breathe without getting punished. My freedom was taken away. He never shows love for me. He doesn't even care about my feelings, my needs.

I've always been that girl . The girl with eyes that seek power. The girl whom had dreams for herself. Everything changed, until I met my knight and shinning armor(or at least that's what I thought). His eyes sparkled with hazel gems ,and his skin glittered with the subtle sheen of sage. He made me feel wanted as I lacked the needs of love from my father. He made me feel loved, as my mother was to busy to every love me,but now I'm 21 and married, and feel like a prisoner in my own home. I lay in his bed with a knife to my throat, too afraid to even move. I love him, I really do, but I wanted to change his soul. Now I know you can't change a man, so I guess love is war or war is love.

My husband is a rapper/producer,so he gets anything he wants, whenever he wants it. So I couldn't possibly tell, and it's embarrassing. He's a good man,and I love him. The only thing that makes him a demon is the drugs and alcohol,but most is left over anger. During that time I've been looking for ways to get away from him. I called his mother, but she is just as afraid as I am. I was making plans, finding shelters, but then unexpected news came up. That always seems to happen when when I was down and out.

I'm pregnant.

"I'm pregnant," I told him. He looked me up and down. "It ain't mine." "Of course it is, you're the only person I've been....." Before I could say another word, he body slams me into the glass table. "And I said it ain't mine. Who you been messing with!" He kicked me over and over everywhere except my stomach because he knew that this was his baby. He finally stopped as he knew I was defeated. "Clean this glass up before I decide to beat you again." I laid there crying for an angel to save me. Save me from the darkness that was killing me slowly and snuffing out my light.

The next few weeks, I was no longer pregnant. I lost the baby. He didn't even show up when I was in the hospital. While I was there, I didn't eat and couldn't sleep knowing that there's no living creature inside me. I made my mind up, I'm leaving. While he was sleeping, I tiptoed out the bed ,and placed a long pillow where I was laying. I didn't have time to grab clothes, all I could grab was my keys and my wallet. Nothing less and nothing more. I knew the risk that I am taking is a dangerous, but I'd rather die than to be his prisoner forever.

"What's wrong, baby," my mama asked. "Nothing, just having tough times with Lance," "Oh I'm sorry, is everything ok" " You could careless if I told you." " Aaliyah, please let's not start this, I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me." "Mama I need you now!" I wailed. Tears burned my eyes. Her eyes soften as she sees the pain in my heart. This was the first time me and my mama ever bonded together. I didn't tell her about the abuse because I didn't want her to worry. I'm tired of soaking in tears that never air out, but I went back to him because I didn't have nothing without him, no money,food, a home. It's hard leaving everything behind. Soon I became pregnant again, and found out it was nothing but his little scheme to keep me caged.

He planned this pregnancy to get me to stay and I feel so stupid to fall for it. I'm now 7 months along with a baby girl, and still in the same place I started. You just don't know the industry, you would never know what goes on in a picture perfect relationship. It's hard, never easy. "Aaliyah!" yelled my sister, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Lance's here." "Well tell him, I'm not". She looked at me stone cold. "Did he hurt you" "Yasmine, what are you talking about?" "Answer my question." I didn't want to tell, so I lowered my head. She took a long deep breathe. "So what are you going to do?" "I got to go," I said. She nodded without furthering arguing. I walked out of my sister's, and that was the 2nd big mistake, I ever made. We are no longer speaking, I let her down.

The abuse stopped while I was pregnant but the cheating sure didn't. He always give me excuses like, " It was an accident or I didn't know what I was doing." The lies of a grown man. Two months flew by, and I had my baby girl. Lance didn't even show up. He dropped me off, and he took my money. Of course the birth of his child means nothing to him. I looked at my baby girl. Her hazel eyes screamed sorrow. "I'm sorry baby girl. I can't even forgive myself for bringing you in this darkness. I promise this'll get better,even if I'm in or not, It'll get better for you. Mommy's trying, this is not a life for you. I'm sorry my baby girl." Tears streamed down my face. I love her so much. I named her Promise ,because I promised her she'll have a better life, unlike mine. I wish I could see her grow up. I wish could see her accomplish her dreams, but sadly I couldn't, the darkness took over me.

Once when Promise was a year old I grew sick and tired of the abuse, I didn't mean to, but I did and now I have to live with my choice. Promise was not around, when the evil possessed me. Just me and Lance, no one else. I wouldn't call myself a murder, but that's the stereotype that is given to me. A cold blooded murder, you may think of me, I didn't hide my evilness. I actually turned myself in. Now I'm behind bars for life. Almost is never enough. I kept a promise a to my baby girl, and that promise was kept.

Written by: Journie Graham