I feel alone, and although everybody I care about is around me I feel isolated, rejected from society. I feel as if the world will collapse on me if I say the two words that have been making my life miserable especially for the past year. I don’t want to be excluded from the rest of the students at school I just want people to accept me for who I am but sadly I have lied to my closest friends and family for way to long and I will probably commit suicide if this ever gets out.
Almost every night as if it were ritual a single tear falls from my eye and every night I think of how much better everyone’s life will be if I weren’t in them .I think about ways to kill myself and how to make it less painful and even in the shower when I’m taking a bath I try to drown myself but I always get to scared and as the water passes through my trough and fills my lungs I sit up and have 5 minutes of reflecting of what I almost had done .I’m not alone and yet I feel like I’m the only person in the earth .I’ve been thinking about telling my parents about how I fell and how confused I am but when It comes down to it I guess I’m to scared to tell them I am gay.
I believe that telling them will be a mistake, that they will reject me for what I am and that they won’t love me anymore. But in reality how do I know that they won’t the truth is that there are many reactions they could have and if I ever decide to tell the I hope it’s a good one. I fell scared in many places and the saying that you should fell save at home does not apply to my case. What would my sisters think? What would my grandparents think? And most importantly how would my parents react? This is what I think every day whiting the four walls that surround me every day.
I make every one believe I’m he best, the most confident, the friendliest and even the straightest but would they think I’m a fake if I tell them? This are my thought, the thoughts that pass through my head every day , repeatedly constantly. I sometimes sit and wonder what if I just tell them? What if I were to go up to everyone I know and be like “I’m gay bitches.”This is my life, my secret life my own thoughts and I believe I’m trapped in this parallel universe. I want to be free, free from any worries free from any stress and most importantly free from myself.
