The Diary

Diary

       Dean was tired. Tired of everything. He and Sam had been looking for Lilith for months with no leads. Nothing. Frustrated, Dean grabbed a price of motel stationery and wrote 'Lilith is a bitch'. Suddenly, everything just came flowing out onto the paper. His worries about Sam, his guilt from all the people he hadn't been able to save, his fear for his and Sam's futures. He stopped writing. He was panting a little, as if he had just sprinted somewhere, but he felt good. Dean never felt good. Normally, everything just built up in his head until he felt like he was going to explode, but now he actually felt better. He felt light, as if a weight had been lifted off him. He knew that was a bit cliché, but that was literally how it felt. Dean couldn't remember the last time he had felt this good. Probably not since he was a kid. Dean had always made fun of people who kept diaries. Journals for recording events were fine, but writing down all your feelings in a little book? That had always seemed so girly and pointless. Well, don't bash it 'till you've tried it, he guessed. Writing everything down really had helped. Dean didn't really like talking about things like this. He was always afraid people would make fun of his problems, or see him as weak, but this way he wouldn't have to worry about that. A book couldn't make fun of you, or call you weak. Paper can't laugh at your problems, and you don't have to worry about being taken seriously, because it's only for you. Dean wrote down his thoughts about diary writing as they came, and when he finally finished writing, the sense of relief was incredible. Dean's eyelids started to droop. He was actually tired after writing so much. Not going to waste the break from the ceaseless insomnia he'd been dealing with, he put away the pencil and paper, and let his consciousness slip away.

*

      Dean's eyes shot open. He had dreamt of Hell again, and he wasn't exactly happy about it. Then, suddenly, he had an idea. He had heard somewhere that people with PTSD were sometimes treated by being made to recall the traumatic event in its entirety, Re-traumatising the person, more or less, in a safe environment so that their brain could process the memories of the event properly. Dean figured it could be worth a try, and picked up the pencil and a new piece of paper. Then he began to write down his memories of Hell, from right after he was shredded by that hellhound up until he woke up six feet underground. When he finished, he felt the same sense of release he had felt the night before. "That might actually have helped." He said, only realising afterwards that he had said it out loud. Sam, who was just walking inside from a grocery run, had heard him. "What helped?" He asked, interested. "Nothing." Dean said defensively. He wasn't ready for Sam to find out just yet. ((*cough* ever *cough*))

Bonus:

       Sam was putting away a few of his and Dean's things, which were scattered around the motel room. He picked up a sock belonging to his brother, and put it in Dean's bag. He was getting up to continue putting things away, when a piece of paper fell onto the floor. Curious, Sam picked it up. As soon as he saw it he realised what it was: a diary entry. Conflicted, he paused. He knew he shouldn't be reading Dean's private notes, but he was definitely tempted. Just for once, he thought, it would be nice to know what was going on in his brother's head. His curiosity for what the paper might contain eventually got the better of him, and he began to read.

   When he finished reading, Sam was rather shocked. Dean never talked to him about anything, so Sam had had no idea what was going on, what Dean had been dealing with all this time. On the paper was an account of everything Dean had experienced in Hell, and it was horrific in its contents. Dean had recounted, in full detail, the torture that was inflicted on him, (as well as what he'd done to other damned souls whom he had been made to torture) and it was absolutely terrifying. Sam had had no idea Dean was feeling this way, and he vowed to be kinder now to his older brother, after reading all this.