Capítulo Cuatro: Epileptic Fits Mean You Can’t Watch Violent Movies
Addition to Dramatis Personae
Eleanor: Student who sits rather close to M, J and P. She and M are 'Spanish Buddies' (this means they are very good friends who were bonded by Spanish). Once again, her name has been changed. Although we do actually like her real name.
NB: References you may not be familiar with:
Florence + The Machine (n): an English indie pop band, consisting of lead singer Florence Welch and a collaboration of other artists who provide backing music (them being the 'Machine')
My Boy Builds Coffins (n): Song by Florence + The Machine. It is rather depressing, and talks of a girl's boyfriend who builds coffins as a profession.
Dutch (adj.): Nationality. P's nationality. Well, she's half Dutch.
***
Social Standing
In the English classroom, for a change. P is not in M and J's English class. M and J are sitting next to each other, and passing notes in Morse code. Or rather, M is writing in Morse code and J is attempting to translate.
J: whispering, but still agitated Will you stop writing like that!
M: innocently Like what?
J: exasperated Whatever. Just go dig a hole and live in it.
M: Go dig a hole and die in it. Like a grave. Because you deserve to die.
J: Would you build me a coffin?
M: Who am I? Florence and the Machine’s boyfriend?
J: Is that a collective boyfriend, then?
M: facepalm
J: Or just Florence’s? Or one of the Machine’s? I just don’t get it.
M: rolls eyes Forget it. Go dig a hole and live in it instead, OK?
J: In the Edwardian era, it was fashionable to have a hermit in the grounds of your country house. It gave you social standing.
M: slams head repeatedly on desk
END
J: So why is it an insult?
terminó
Chamber Choir And Faces (again)
During Chamber Choir rehearsal. J, being the star singer of the choir, is not listening, but crossing out the word 'born' on the piece of music A Child Is Born, and writing 'dead' in its place. M, also being in the choirmaster's good books, is sleeping on J's shoulder. P is just not listening.
P: poking M You're so sad I want to cry. So much that it might flood Holland, but I love Holland, so I won't.
M: suddenly awake, and rolls her eyes at P
P: You can't chew gum. Om nom nom. Cos you don't have a mouth. Or a face to put it on. And you're wasting your time with singing, cos you don't have a mouth to sing with. to the B flat chromatic scale Om nom nom nom nom nooom...
M: rolls eyes again
P: Your poor mum who has to deal with you, your personality, and your non-existent face. I sympathise.
M: voice dripping with sarcasm You're so funny I'm in fits.
J: I hope not epileptic ones. You wouldn't be able to watch violent movies.
END
Yep, We're Back In The Spanish Classroom
Spanish classroom. This is the lesson where Señora is playing Spanish Christmas carols on WeTube. M and P are exchanging insults/comebacks. P is losing. As usual.
P: Go back up-
Eleanor: M, you're a female fox.
M: laughs Don't you mean a vixen?
Eleanor: Oh, so that's what you call it!
M: chuckles Yep, and you call a female chicken...
M and Eleanor continue their most invigorating conversation on female animals
P: whining I was in the middle of a comeback there! starts throwing items from J's pencilcase onto the floor
J: P.
P: Oh, sorry. starts throwing items from M's pencilcase.
Señora starts video of choirgirls singing about how they wish to travel to Bethlehem
P: to M I bet you raped those girls.
M: Pervert.
P: Paedophile. I bet you raped J.
M: She's older than me, you twit. I can't be a paedophile if my victim is older than me.
P: That's doesn't mean anything. I bet you raped someone younger than you.
M: What?
Señora: They are going to Berlin!
Entire Class: The fuck?
Señora: En inglés! (in English)
M: She means Belén! Belén, Belén...lightbulb moment Bethlehem!
Liz: Bethlehem!
Señora: Muy bien, Liz! Belén!
M: I said it first! And why aren't you playing Mariah? Everyone plays Mariah at Christmas time! Where's my Mariah?
P: ominously She's dead. cackles madly
M and J both look at P.
M: She is so normal. Like a vixen.
J: nods in agreement
END
Señora: They're going to Belén, darlings! Come on, sing along with me! sings in garbled Spanish about people riding a donkey and going to Bethlehem
M, J & P: collective facepalm
terminó
YOU ARE READING
Worst Comebacks In History
HumorThe misadventures of three intelligent teenagers who are almost always bored. In their Spanish lessons, anyway.
