Worth It

It Hurts || Peyton

PRESENT DAY

The snow falls around me, but I can no longer feel the cold. I stand in front of my grave surrounded by the tombstones of loved ones, people have buried here. Even though it's cold most have flowers or beads, soft toys or gifts, a way for people to physically show their love for the ones who have passed. I have watched people come and go for the past 2 hours, they bring brushes to clear the snow; they talk of their days and accomplishments as if waiting for a response. Their loved ones are never alone.

I am.

It's been 2 months since I took my life and my headstone is covered in snow, almost completely buried. No toy, flower or gift in sight. Just like in life, in death they have left me alone. Alone to rot, alone to wonder how much they truly loved me. Loved, past tense.

I turn my face to the sky and will tears to fall from my eyes, knowing they no longer can. This emptiness inside me is worse than the pain I felt when I was alive. The wind blows my hair around my face as I close my eyes and drift away. I am pulled back to her, my love for her unconditional and her happiness something I now feel responsible for, the way her mother once had.

I am no longer in the cold but standing in the doorway of her office, watching her hunched over her work. I no longer think she sleeps. I move to sit on the ledge behind her, forcing myself not to touch her. The hole in my chest expands when I see the picture of Elliot and her smiling and laughing on her phone. He still has not come back to her, not even a phone call or a text. I swear when I find him I will kill him.

Fin knocks lightly on her office door. Liv moves her head slowly up to meet his eyes, the dark circles under her eyes just one of the many signs showing how much heartbreak she is carrying.
"Liv we have a new case," he hesitates, "You know what." He breathes, "I can run point on this one. You should go home."
She narrows her eyes at him and sticks out her hand, "Pass it here."
"Are you sure? It looks like a possible undercover operation Liv. Do you really think that we should be taking this on right now?" Concern coating every word that left his mouth.
"Did I flinch?" She spits, if looks could kill.

What have I done. What. Have. I. Done.

I drop my head to my hands and struggle to breathe. Her eyes are dead, there is no one home and I now know what they felt like when they would look at me.
However this time all this heartbreak is not my fault, it's his burden too.

I close my eyes and think of him. Elliot.

I look up from my hands and find myself in a nice apartment. The city outside the large glass windows is not the New York skyline and I'm not so sure where I am. I walk further into the apartment towards a beautiful white leather lounge suite. This is nice. Can't be Elliot's apartment though, how would he be able to afford this on a detectives salary.

What is that sound. OMG I am going to throw up. Great I am in an apartment with two people getting it on in the living room, this was not part of my plan. Well quite frankly I didn't have a plan, I'm dead.

Holy shit it's ELLIOT! What the hell is he doing? Why is he not with Liv? Who is this skinny blonde he's screwing? And what the hell is that flashing red light?

1. 2. 3. 4.
This room is wired.

Elliot couldn't afford this apartment, he is in love with Liv, and why would he wire his own apartment? Oh god, he's undercover, but for who?

No wonder he hasn't contacted Liv, he hasn't had a chance. Wait does he know about me?

If I could cry my eyes would be full of tears, he didn't leave her, and he has no idea I am gone.