Diaries :Journey from hatred to love

Zaroon 10th March

Aaj mujhe Kashaf ke kuch secrets malum huye hai. Haan aaj tak kafi ache tarah se usne mujhse saari baatein chupa kar rakhi thi. Aaj Pata nahi achanak mere dimag mein kya baat ayi toh maine Kashaf se dinner table par pucha

"Kashaf tumne aaj tak apne college life ke bare mein kuch nahi bataya."

"Kyun ki tumne kabhi kuch pucha hi nahi."

Usne ek casual way mein kaha.

"Haan sahi baat hai tum bina puche kuch todhi kehti ho. Humesha mujhe hi yeh takleef uthani parti hai."

"Agar yeh tumhe itni badi takleef lagti hai toh Khuda ke liye itni zehmat na karein."

Usne tanz karte huye kaha.

"Acha batao na kuch apne college life ke bare mein."

"Zaroon tumhe zara bhi tameez nahi hai. Khate waqt baatein nahi karte. Yeh bhi nahi seekha tumne?"

"Ab main tumhare samne bhi lehaz karun tab toh main zinda hi nahi reh paunga. "

"Tum muh band kar ke khaoge please?"

"le agar main muh band karunga toh khaunga kaise?"

Usne meri is baat ka koi jawab nahi diya aur uske expressions dekh kar meri age kuch bolne ki himmat nahi. Kabhi kabhi lagta hai Kashaf meri biwi nahi warden ho jiske hostel me main reh raha hoon.  Aam tor par hostel chorne ke liye log humesha tayyar rehte hai par main chahun toh bhi mera dil mujhe iski permission nahi dega kyun ki yaha meri maarzi shamil hai.

Khate waqt toh maine use tang nahi kiya. Magar phir mujhe kuch to janna tha uske college life ke bare mein. Jab koi baat mere dimag mein ajati hai toh phir use nazar andaz karna mere liye bohot mushkil hojata hai. Khane ke baad jab woh meri bagal mein akar baithi toh maine phir se yeh baat cheri.

"Batao na Kashaf."

"Kya bataun?"

usne Tv par concentrate karte huye pucha.

"Apne college life ke baare mein."

Maine uske haath se remote cheena aur Tv off karte huye insist kiya.

"Please kuch batao na."

"Zaroon tumhe din bhar ke thakaan ke baad yeh saari chizon ke liye fursaat kaise mil jata hai."

"Jab aap kisi se mohabbat karte hai na toh yeh thakaan jaisi cheezein us insaan ko aur zyada kareeb se janne ke liye apko bother nahi kar sakti."

"Tumhe kya janna hai Zaroon?Meri college life hargiz tumhare tarah happeining nahi thi."

"Wahi toh akhir thi kaise mujhe yeh toh batao tum mujhe."

"Meri college life inteha boring thi. Ghar se college aur college se ghar. "

"Khair ab itni bhi boring toh nahi rahi hogi."

"Itni hi boring thi. Maine pehle hi kaha tha. Haan kabhi kabhi jab classes canel ho jaya karti thi toh hum as pass ghumne chala jaya karte the bas usse zada kuch nahi."

"Acha agar main hota toh kabhi bhi Itni boring nahi hoti tumhari college. Zara socho hum pehle mile hote toh cheezein kitni haseen hoti."

"Khair kitni haseen hoti yeh toh nahi pata par haan zindagi todhi zada mushkil hojati meri."

Usne haste huye kaha.

"Acha..kaise?"

"Waise main tumhari zindagi ki baat kar rahi hoon.Yaad hai na kaise maine tumhari zindagi azaab banai thi office mein."

"Maine kya tumhari zindagi kam azaab banai thi."

"haan banai toh thi."

"Acha Kashaf tumhe kabhi apne college life mein koi ladka pasand aya tha?"

Maine usse dheemi awaz main pucha. Bas jee chah raha tha. Uska jawaab toh main janta hoon par yeh sun kar acha lagta hai ki main uske zindagi mein ane wala pehla mard hoon.

Usne do minute kuch socha aur phir kaha

"Sach kahun?"

Sach kahun toh yeh sun kar kuch darr sa laga.

"Haan bilkul."

"You'll be fine with it, right?"

"Yea Of course."

Maine kuch hich kichate huye kaha.

"Ek ladka tha. Woh mujhe bohot pasand tha. Shayad woh mera pehla pyaar tha.Lekin.."

"Tumne kabhi usse yeh baat kahi?"

"choro na Zaroon."

"Kyun?"

maine kuch ankhein badi karte huye kaha.

"Kyun ki woh cheezein yaad kar ke sirf dukh hota hai."

Usne apni palke jhuka li.

"Nahi puri baat janni hai.Iske baad hum kabhi is baare mein baat nahi karenge but aaj puri baat karenge."

"Theek hai."

Usne zor ki sans lete huye kaha.

"Woh mera senior tha. "

"naam?"

"Shahid. Maine bohot himmat juta kar usse yeh uske farewell ke din yeh baat kahi par usne mujhe mana kar diya. Usse kisi aur se mohabbat thi."

"Tumne mujhse toh kabhi itna khul ke nahi kaha."

"Acha. yeh toh hargiz jhoot hai."

Usne glare karte huye kaha.

"Haan haan kaha hai par aise khud initiative toh nahi liya. Aur jab maine pehli baar kaha tha jab toh jawab nahi diya tha."

"Toh kya tum ab mujhse us baat ka badla loge? Zindagi bhar taana doge?"

"Mujhe neend arahi hai."

Main yeh keh ka bed par chala aya. Mujhe yeh umeed toh nahi thi. Kashaf nahi mujhe kabhi bataya kyun nahi? Aur mujhe itna bura kyun lag raha hai? Meri bhi toh crushes rahi hai. Haan rahi hai par main yeh usse chupate todhi phirta hoon. Usse mujhe yeh baat batani chahiye thi.