Poems out of Boredom

I

I

I lost my purpose
I lost all hope
But I can't seem to lose these feelings

And it hurts
It hurts too much I wanted to be numb
Anhedonia
Unfeeling

All these sharp objects around me
Also toxins at my disposal
Ropes scatter around the house
I laid out plans to choose from

Yet I

Can never bring myself to act
I wanted but I can't
I am already dying
But it's still not enough

I can't

When everyone had betrayed me
I can't betray myself

I can't do it

I only have myself
Keeping those things away
Is the only proof of love to myself

And I..

I would just wait

Till this pain consumes me
Till my heart ached so badly
That my brain would be kind enough
To stop

This is not a poem
These are fragments of my thoughts
I failed to organize

Dear self,

It's too hard to love you
No wonder they gave up
Yet unlike them,
I am trying.