Smoke swirls around my fingers as I lie on my bed, my face engulfed in the subtle orange glow of the Christmas lights hung in my room.
Inhale deeply.
My eyelids flutter as the scent of burnt vanilla incense fills my nostrils, bringing me back to a memory in the back of my mind.
There was a bonfire at a beach I once went to with a group of friends. My friend Jordan was wearing her cupcake scented perfume; it was really popular back in 10th grade. We all stayed up until 2 a.m. walking along the shore to the tide pools just to see the reflection of the full moon. There was a meteor shower, too. It was so beautiful that Jordan broke down crying in my arms. The smell of burnt vanilla…
I want that again. Not the crying part, but the sound of the waves whispering softly in my ears as the cold, dry sand slips between my toes for a mile down the beach.
Being in such an untouched place in nature at night is so…intimate. There’s no one around to cover the sound of the breeze with their small talk. The silence of outer space almost becomes suffocating if you revel in its beauty for too long. You get a lump in your throat and crumble, as if your heart has just been broken. It sounds tragic but it makes you feel…well, it just makes you feel. That’s probably why Jordan broke down.
To share that with another person is so special. I didn’t make fun of her for it. I welcomed her.
If I was to repeat that experience now with a boy, I could only imagine. I would be so enchanted by the moonlight streaking across his face that I would stop walking. He would notice my gaze and hold his hand out, which I would grasp and we both would look up at the sky. After a few minutes I’d try hard not to cry at the splendor of the Milky Way and all its subjects. He would squeeze my hand to let me know that it’s alright to feel that way, because he feels it too.
I’d smile funny to cover my emotions. There would be no words, only subtle actions. And that feeling that your hearts and eyes are magnetically attracted to each other. Like those scenes in movies where you both catch your breath as you gaze at each other, because your heart is beating so fast you might throw up if you try to speak. In that instant, I want to feel like I am the only thing in the world that matters to him.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted, really.
I want there to be no hidden agendas, no excuses, and no fake sincerity. I just want all of their words to be true. I want all of their actions to match those words. Just for once I’d like to be looked at by a boy like I am exactly what he wants. With moonlight glinting off his honest eyes and a trembling lip as if he were going to break if he couldn’t have me.
End
