Barely There

1, 2, 3. Three more scars. Three more questions of why I did this. Three more answers that no one will understand. I watched the blood go down my arms leaving a trail as it flowed into the sink. I wondered when I would be strong enough to end it all. Save myself from the misery and pain.

There was one thing holding me back though. It was Shawn. He is the only thing I live for. When I told people he was the reason I lived they didn't care about the fact I was suicidal. They would fun of me saying he would never love me or that's stupid. Shawn Mendes is my hero.

School again. Reality again. Bullies again. I decided to wear my favorite sweater. It was a dark blue and comfy. I had to cover up my cuts somehow. I paired it with leggings and my favorite combat boots. I was ready to go back to the hell hole. I dragged myself down the stairs dreading the bus ride to school.

I was greeted by my mom who was making breakfast downstairs. She handed me a banana and practically pushed me out the door. She said she had to hurry and clean the house for a meeting or something, but I wasn't listening. She doesn't know about me. She doesn't know her 15 year old daughter was suicidal and not bullied. Even if I told her, she wouldn't let herself believe it.

The bus ride wasn't bad. All the kids who ride are little so I don't have to worry about bullies there. But it's school that's terrible. When I got off the bus, I felt the stares in my back. They knew I was bullied, but they all decided it was best to stay out of it. My bony fingers gripped the handle to the school door. "Here we go," I muttered under my breath, "be strong Elina."

I made it to my first class with no worries. I ducked out of people's ways, scared to be seen. Second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, it was finally seventh hour. Last class of the day. No one had said anything. I saw my bullies in the hallway, but they didn't do anything. They were nice, too nice.