Wander

I don't know where I'm going, but I won't stop 'till I get there. Something about being alone and traveling makes me feel human. I've always been the girl who grew up saying she wanted to travel the world and take long road trips. I've always wanted to know what it was like to just run off on your own and just get out of the place you've been living in your whole life. I wanted a change, a new setting in my life. I wanted to leave this place that holds all my bad memories. Yes, some are good, but mostly bad. I want to escape from them, I just need a getaway and I intend to do so.
I packed up all of my things and I put on warm clothes since it was still winter. Winter, to me, is the best time to do it. When no one is out as much and its cold, dusky, and quiet. Where I'm from, during the winter it is a ghost town, and I love that. To me that is the best time to go outside and appreciate nature and the world around you. It's beautiful. It's like you have the whole world to yourself and you can do anything. I love to go outside, bundle up in warm clothes, listen to music, and just walk. I feel alive. But this wasn't enough for me and I needed to get further away. I needed to just leave and get out of this place. This small town where everyone knows each other and everyone judges each other. Once I got older and realized what this place is and what it truly holds, I knew it wasn't for me. So I'm going.
I packed a backpack with a few necessities and I went on my way. I didn't really have a plan, all I knew was that I was hopping on a bus and leaving. Growing up I was always the quiet mysterious girl that no one hated nor knew enough to like. I kept to myself because I didn't trust anybody here in this small town. Not even my family was engaged in my life. I've been alone ever since I could remember and I was perfectly okay with that. It made it easier for me to run away at least. I live with my mom, dad, and brother. My brother is younger than me and he's the favorite. Sometimes I forget I'm even their child. I used to let it get to me but now I learned to accept it. Now I can runaway with no one stopping me. I got onto the first bus I saw and went right to the train station. I had a lot of money saved up throughout my lifetime. Ever since I was 10, I started saving money to runaway. Now I can finally do it. I won't necessarily say I'm running away from my problems. I'm just getting out. I'm getting out of this place full of doubt and darkness and I'm exploring and finding more things in life to enjoy. I sat on the bus and looked around me. A woman with grey hair in hospital scrubs was sitting to the left of me. She seemed stressed, drained, and struggling. I like to observe people and think about their story. I find it amazing how everybody in this world is living, breathing, and doing something in life to survive. We are all here to survive, to live. But what is unique about each person is we all have our own story. I like to look at people and read them, and think of their story. In front of me I seen a man. He was wearing a suit and seemed to be in a hurry. I wonder if he was late for a date? Or maybe a job interview? Whatever it was, it was stressing him out and that's when I realized I was making the right decision in leaving this place.
Looking at all of these people stressing out over life made me hurt. In fact, everybody on that bus was stressed about something. We are on this Earth to live. Many people take "living" the wrong way and think that "living" is surviving. Living and surviving are two different things. Living is exploring, venturing, seeing the world, and enjoying every bit of nature and life you come across. Surviving is making money, and working, and doing anything you can to stay on your feet. But for me? I don't want to survive. I want to live. I will live first then learn to survive. I don't want to waste my life away stressing over surviving. We are here to live and that's what I'm going to do. I don't intend on growing up to only finding myself feeling stressed over surviving like everyone else in this town. I want to be satisfied with my life and see everything and anything I can. I want to see the world for its true beauty. Everyone else is so caught up on trying to survive that they miss the beauty. They miss the opportunity to see life in a different perspective, or discover new things. I don't want to be one of them.
.........
As I arrived to the train station I noticed many people in business attire with brief cases. These are the kinds of people who travel for their job. I suppose that's better than taking the bus to and from work and stressing over how you will survive. I looked around me and I seemed to be the only young person there who wasn't going somewhere business related. I was simply on my way to live. Not that I had a specific destination in mind or anything but that's the point of living. Life is full of surprises, you never know what you'll get. So I'm going to go until I feel like I have found a new place to explore.
I got onto the train and it was pretty empty. The only sound that was left was the loud rattling of the train against its tracks and the small murmurs of outside life every time the train came to a halt. Soon it became late and the people soon disappeared one by one before my very eyes. I was then left alone. I felt myself become more excluded from my previous life. I felt myself getting further and further away from that terrible place. I slowly drifted off to sleep. I was then awaken by the sound of people getting onto the train. I looked at the time, I had slept the whole night on the train but to me it only felt like an hour. I was curious as to where about I may be right now. I began to observe the people coming in. It was a nice variety of people entering the train. There were parents with children, couples with shopping bags, and teenagers enjoying life. I knew I was getting close to finding the right spot. Everybody sat, the train filled with voices and laughter. The train started moving and I opened the shutter to my window and looked out at the nature rushing past me. The trees were full and dancing in the breeze. The woods were packed with all kinds of plants and nature. I looked up and there I saw a bird bringing food to its babies in the big nest full of twigs and other random pieces of nature. Looking back down I noticed two squirrels running together. They just kept running and didn't look back, they weren't afraid of something or running from anything, they were just running. They were living.
I sat back in my seat and I felt overjoyed. I was finally enjoying life and I was ready to get off this train and explore the new world I come across and see new faces around me smiling, laughing, and living. I looked around the train and noticed there were stickers all around it. Some were advertisements and others were phrases, quotes, or words. I read each of them until I stopped as I came across one sticker. I sat up in my seat and reread it...."Wander". It seemed to have spoken to me. I felt as if that sticker were there specifically for me. Wander. It is true, that is only what I am doing. I'm living, exploring.......wandering. Something about that gave me the best motivation to keep going. This very moment is where I wanted to be most, and I knew that I belonged here.
As I continued looking around at the stickers, a person to my right caught my eye. I looked over and noticed a boy who seemed about my age, sitting on the train alone. He was wearing grey sweatpants, a black hoodie, and a red backpack. When I looked over at him he had his head laid back, looking out the window with earphones in, I assume listening to music. As I kept staring, feeling more intrigued by the vibes he was giving off, he looked away from the window and noticed the stickers I was looking at before. He started to read them and I felt more connected to his energy than before. He looked over at the "Wander" sticker and a smirk came across his face. He stared at it for a while smirking, then that smirk grew into a smile and he looked back to the window. In that moment, I knew I wasn't alone. I knew that I wasn't the only person wanting to live. Finally, I see someone else like me who understands life.
..........
I got off the train and saw myself surrounded by nature. I looked to my left and saw mountains and trees. I looked to my right and saw a body of water and some birds swimming. I felt the wind rush by me, tangling my hair and I felt more alive than I ever was. I started walking towards the water and observed the birds swimming. Some birds were struggling to get food, while others were enjoying the water and relaxing. I then walked towards the mountains and knew that's where I wanted to explore first. I climbed to the top of the tallest mountain and sat down to enjoy the scenery that sat face to face with me. I looked, and I observed, this is what I've been longing for my whole life.
After a few minutes of enjoying the beauty that stands beneath these hills, I heard somebody sit beside me. I looked over in curiosity and saw the boy from the train sitting next to me with his arms resting on his knees as they aimed upwards. I kept looking and he just stared at the view as the breeze played with his somewhat long hair. I smiled and joined him as we stared into the distance together.
"It's beautiful" came from the boys mouth. I looked over, still he didn't make any eye contact. "Yeah." is all I could come out with. It was silent for a second after that and then he broke the silence with, "Looking at this view in front of me, makes me feel more alive than I ever was. It's almost like I wasn't living before. I was just cooped up in my own little world trying to survive but didn't realize I wasn't even living." I looked back at him, this time he drew his eyes to mine. "Wander" I said as I stared into his big brown eyes. He smirked, "Wander, I read it on the train. I'm here for the same reason. To live, explore....." I broke eye contact and looked back at the view, "....wander" I finished. I felt his eyes still on me, "I never met someone who thought that same thing as me. It kinda makes me regret what I did" He said, still looking at me. I stayed quiet for a minute, "Neither have I" I finally replied with, but regret what? I didn't have the courage to ask so instead, I didn't. He looked back at the view in front of us and we sat together, watching the nature. "I saw you on the train" I said. "You were looking out the window with your earphones in and I felt connected to you so I kept looking. You looked away from the window and you noticed the same stickers I was reading before I noticed you. I saw you come across the sticker that said 'Wander' and I saw the look on your face. It made me feel like I wasn't alone, that you understood me." It was silent. "I noticed you after I looked at that sticker. I looked at you and all I could see was somebody with the same intentions as me. Then I found you up here and I knew I was right about you. You're here to live just like I am" He finished. I looked at him, this time with a smile. He looked at me and smiled back.
I looked back to where he was sitting and was going to ask him about what he said earlier, I wanted to know what he did that he regretted but when I looked back there was no one there. I looked all around me, looking for him. I stared in confusion as I was trying to think back to if I even heard him get up. I suppose he just got up to walk around more, but without even saying goodbye? I decided to get up as well and walk down to the life of people walking around the streets. As I was walking the wind threw a paper beneath my feet. I looked down and it was an old, crumbled up paper that seemed to have words on it. I picked it up in curiosity and unfolded it. "MISSING BOY 17 YEARS OLD: JAMES MCKINNEY" was written across the top with a picture below. I worked my way down to the picture and I saw a boys face. It wasn't a stranger.....it was the boy from the train. I quickly looked around me, as if I were looking for him. People kept walking by not even noticing me. I walked up to a woman standing in front of a store observing the shoes in the window. "Excuse me" I said to her as she turned around with a smile. "Have you seen this boy?" she looked at the picture and began to laugh. I looked at her confused. "Oh honey, that boy has been missing for almost a year now. Nobody in this town have seen him. Just a week ago the newspaper claimed to have found the boys body in that body of water over there" she pointed to the water where I stood watching the birds and I looked over. "He was pronounced dead last week. I'm sorry baby did you know him?" she finished and I brought my eyes back to her. "Um, no..not exactly" I replied with as I looked back down at the picture with confusion. "But uh, thank you." I said after a minute. "Oh no problem sweetie, glad I could help" I walked away still looking at the picture. It was definitely the boy I was just talking to, he's wearing the same jacket, there's no way he could have been found dead last week. I walked back to the water and stared down at it. The thought of a boy's lifeless body being in here brought an uncanny feeling to my stomach since I was just talking to him. I looked back at the store's and spotted a newspaper stand. I ran over to it and put in $.50 for a copy. I took the paper and on the front page said "BOYS BODY FOUND" I kept reading, "Last week the 17 year old missing boy, James McKinney, was found unconscious in the river on Spiral Ave." I looked up at the street sign and read "Spiral Ave." I looked around me again then back down at the paper. "Family claims that the boy kept telling them how he was going to runaway. Later that afternoon he was gone and so were a few of his things and his backpack. There are no reports of people seeing the boy walking around town except for one person who claimed to have seen him get onto a train but there is no proof that it was James." I looked at the train station and was stopped by the noise of the train coming to a stop. I watched people board the train as time seemed to rush around me. I locked my eyes on the ticket booth with the man inside handing out train passes. I walked up to the booth and waited in line. Finally came my turn and the old man inside looked at me waiting for me to speak. "Hi, I just have a question. Did this boy come off this train today?" I asked as I showed him the picture of James. "Oh no darling, that boy has been missing for almost a year, I heard they just found his body in this here river. They reported he was dead last week, said he must've been dead for a month or two before they found 'em. Such a shame, poor boy was so young. Rumor says he was murdered, others think suicide. Family don't really talk about it much, they don't know what to believe. There's no way he was on this train today sweetie I would've seen 'em as he gave me his exit ticket. Sorry hun." He finished. I kept staring, I was speechless. "Okay thank you." I said with a little hesitation. Was it a different boy I spoke to? It couldn't have been?
I walked back to the spot where me and the boy sat. There again I saw him walking. I started running towards him. "HEY!" I yelled as I kept running. He stopped and turned to me. I caught up to him out of breath, finally I got out the words "What is this?" as I showed him the newspaper. He took it and started reading then began to laugh. "What?" I said as I looked at him befuddled. "They still don't know if it was murder or suicide. The police in this town don't seem to care much about the deceased, they think it's over and there's no need for more investigation." I kept looking at him even more puzzled than before. He looked up at me and let out a giggle. "Almost a year now and there's still attention on the subject of my disappearance. My family doesn't seem to care if I was murdered or committed. That's why I left that place." He said as he handed the paper back to me. "Are....are you dead?" It sounded stupid coming out of my mouth but what else was I going to think. He smiled, looked down at the ground then back to me. "You see this?" He said as he pointed to the view. I nodded, this time a little scared. "This here is how you live. Once you live, the only thing left is to die. You know what I used to be scared of?" I looked at him waiting for him to continue. "The unstoppable marching to time that is slowly guiding us all towards an inevitable death." He let out. "But after a while I didn't wanna be scared anymore. Instead, I wanted to get out and face that fear. I wanted to live, don't you see. I wanted to face the fact that we are all going to die. But before I died, I wanted to live....so I did. And I came out here. It's beautiful." He said as he looked at the mountains. He looked back at me and smiled as he grabbed my face. "Live. That's the only way to fulfill a perfect life. Surviving isn't living. But living could be surviving. Death is inevitable, so live while you can okay?" Still scared, I nodded. "But, A-are you d-?" He stopped me saying "shh. It's okay" I stared into his eyes and couldn't tell if he was even real anymore. He turned around and started walking again. I watched for a few seconds then said "Wait". He kept walking and all I could hear was his voice yell back to me "Suicide." My heart sank, I looked over to the body of water and noticed the bridge above it. I looked back to the boy........ and he was gone.