Celestial

Old dirty steps and whispered memories. Hands that hold mine and the glimpse of you walking away. Chasing and running after you for the hope of a false tomorrow. Standing on my toes to hear you say nothing. Waiting for answers I dont want to hear and that of the empty waves of silence. Hearing songs that remind me of the anticipation and adrenaline of beating hearts and wandering hands. A night that pushed me into the swirling bright light of emotions causing me to blosom not in the way a flower would greet the sky but how a forest fire starts ablaze. How I eventually threw myself into a path of agonizing destruction and fear. The sleepless nights and endless tears that seemed to flow sometimes even without knowledge of their presence. The feelings of betrayal and self pity. The feeling of not being good enough. The sorry excuses, the nights id be cussed out. The goodbyes and ignored calls. Times I never knew if the one I loved was dead or not. At three in the morning sobbing to myself locked in the bathroom because I thought id lost you forever. While the shear thought of me being gone would never phase you. The mental abuse that came along with loving a monster. The excuses I made, the things I did. The things I still do. The lasting impression put upon my soul. A burn on my heart that hurts sometimes when I see you. Smiling and laughing while mine is that of a fake facade. The jealousy of your heartless character while mine is that of the opposite. Asking for one thing only, be there. Dont fucking leave me hanging. Dont hurt me, fucking please. But I guess promises are made to be broken and forgotten. I guess hearts are made to be broken sometimes. People are suppost to get hurt, theyre supposed to care when they shouldnt. I said stay and you pushed me away and you never once came back to help me get up. Thats why im so fucked up now isnt it. Because im just this little girl that lost herself trying to please you. Lost het self respect her morals. I lost my mind. Granted it was bound to happen anyways I never expected this. I never wanted any of this. I never wanted the heartache or the pain or the regret. I never wanted the scars or the poems. I just wanted someone to help me discover who I am. But not like this. It made me into someone I never meant to be and now im scared, now im broken. A flower that was so excited to greet the sunlight but only to see the moon. It was a trick. One full of lies and manipulation. Love was never there only reputation and lust. I was a fool. I was blind. This though, this is the worst part because now I can see. And it hurts like a bitch. Good god, I fucked up and you did really good at Fucking me up. Im so scared. I have to remind myself periodically that its gone and that im ok because I cant handle it anymore. I just cant. Ive come so far. I can still smell my shirt from that night. Remembering the times you told me to jump and I fell. I can still hear the song as we danced. I can see you telling me it was going to be okay and that you loved me. And it tears me apart. I just wanted you to care for me at least as much as i did for you but you didnt and its a revelation that haunts me. Stitched together horribly are these memories and things. But theyve been torn at and mutilated within my mind like a cut stitched together but ripped open at parts.Thoughts, conversations slipping through the openings like thick blood pouring over me. It's sad. It's really sad because when I met you I knew that you were going to be in my life. I just never knew youd leave so soon.