Chapter 5
Deep Within
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Feelings accumulate. Depression, love, hate, joy, sadness, anger; they all have a snowball effect. And when that snowball grows larger and larger deep within, an avalanche overpowers the mountain who tried to stay grounded.
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Jamie's POV
The words, the remarks, the insults. They were all flooding back into my mind all at once.
Everyone has their breaking point. Sure, everyone's breaking points are at different times, and some people try to convince themselves and others that they are unbreakable, but it's time to face the facts; everyone breaks. May it be under pressure, abuse, bullying, etc. My breaking point was now. After five years of this HELL, I was crumbling into pieces.
I isolated myself from everyone I knew. I stayed in my room with the door closed. It was sort of like I thought that my bedroom door would block out everything.
Well, I wasn't completely isolated. It was only when I was at home. When I was at school, I was completely normal; social, smart, sorta athletic (I'm not going to give myself that much credit for sports). I had friends.
I wish I could've told my friends about how I felt, but whenever I was on the verge of doing so, I only sounded like I was a brat who only ever complained. Who wants to be like that intentionally?
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Ever since my teenage years, my dad has been less.....loving towards me. Over the years, these events, and many more similar to this, have been happening.
One day, I was up in my room (for privacy reasons) a lot, and I go downstairs to find his fat ass sitting on the couch watching tv and eating junk.
"Any friends coming over today?" he asks, probably because my brother is 'Mr.Social'.
"No..."
"Why do you have no friends? Do you want to grow up to be a nun who will never marry?" he accused.
Even though I know I shouldn't take it to heart, I do. I mean, he's my father. But seriously? We're not even fucking religious! And how could he just... be so rude? Especially since I have self esteem issues.
He always rude nowadays. He's always implying that I'm a pig and I'm fat when I'm really not. I get to say that because I'm extremely underweight for my height.
I don't finish my dinner because I'm truly not hungry. Before I get up from my chair, he looks at me with disgust and asks, "What did you eat? All the chips?"
"No...I had mac n' cheese for lunch..." I mumble.
And it's not just me. Lately, he's trying to hint that my mom is getting fat as well. He's always gasping with his eyes and mouth wide (and I just want to scream at him to breathe through his nose and close his damn mouth) in disbelief and asks 'You ate two burgers?' 'You ate -insert number here- -insert food here-?!' when he eats the same amount.
Now I think I'm losing weight. I've been less hungry, and it's only getting worse. I can see my fucking rib cage now...
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I'm just sitting at my kitchen table watching some YouTube on my phone in the morning. My dad's there (sadly. Nothing ever good happens when he's around. He reminds me of this really annoying kid in my grade that I always want to punch in the face. He doesn't use proper grammar, his jokes suck, he always insults me, he never stops making noises, and he never stays still.)
I'm wearing shorts and a cami because it's a weekend and I don't feel like changing into real clothes. It's not like I was going anywhere since 'I don't have a social life or any friends'.
In the middle of the video, I feel someone staring at me. I look up, and what do I see? My dad's staring at my legs in shock.
"Wow, you certainly didn't get your mom's legs."
Extreme insult. If I didn't get my mom's legs, he's saying I have his legs. Which are hairy, ugly things that no one wants to see.
"Wow." he repeats as if he needs to emphasize his point.
'Rude and disrespectful' -Joey Graceffa 2013
I've always been self-conscious about my arms and legs because I'm a girl and I have hair on them. I admit that, but they are light colored, so you can't see them. I mean, it's like he has no feelings and doesn't know how the words he says affect other people.
But later that day, I just used that Nair creme. Why do I listen to him?
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Ever hear someone talking about you behind you're back? Everyday with my mom and grandma. It's like they think I'm deaf. It's either that, or they think they speak quietly. Either way, neither is true.
It's just so hurtful. Every so often, I just break down. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. It's just when these memories come flooding back, it's unbearable. And it's not like I can tell anyone without going into extreme detail. Nothing ever helps and new memories to add to the collection are created daily. It's just so hurtful. Deep within my heart, I just want to-
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Oh lookie here. What was she writing? Oh, what a shame to think that this will no longer be legible after I burn it. Since this'll be in flames, my name's %¡¢#@£|, but you can call me 'the stork'. Shhhh don't tell ;).
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Hey guys! Hope you enjoyed. Sorta crazy sounding this time. Sorry bout that. Oh, and you always know I have to have a creepy ending.
-S
P.S. See, Jules? This is what happens when I don't inspiration. My writing just turns into a jumbled mess of fictional ranting. Oh well. Maybe it was good fictional ranting?
