Letter to my Daughter

To my dear princess:

I write to you with the helpless hope that you may read this one day and answer to me my last wondering thought. Whether I still exist or not, will you ever forgive me?

I was lying on bed and I got the news delivered. Your mother was on top of the world. I was surprised and delighted. Who would have ever thought that this was really her? She was in everyone's mouth. She is now a successful business woman. A billionaire! She got as far as she told me she would get.

Enough of your mother, now let's focus on you. I still remember the days when you were little and you told me you wanted to rule the world just like your mother wanted to. It was really funny because there is no real way of ruling the world. However, right now what your mother does is pretty close to that idea. You still have a long way to go, but I know for a fact that you will somehow achieve your dream.

Besides writing to tell you how proud you make me, I would like to go over some memories with you. Remember when you were 10 and you would normally be playing with your two brothers and your little sister? Those times were full of bliss! I remember perfectly when you all gathered at the living room and begged me to watch a movie with you. It was funny because all of you begged me as if I would refuse easily, but truth is I was always willing to do so. Playing hard to get made me really happy even though your mother knew about my little play. Your mother knew me good enough that she had the popcorn ready before I even said yes. Then we would all laugh and have a wonderful family time.

Years went by and suddenly you were 15. Where had my sweet little girl gone? I have no clue but I do remember that you turned into a rebel just like I did at your age. Trust me when I say that you gave your mother and I such a hard time, but in the end we understood what you thought. You just lacked the maturity to be able to see that you were a little bit wrong when you said that you could do anything you wanted with your life. That is true, but you needed to know so much more in order to do wise decisions. Somehow we made it to your 18th Birthday and by then I could see in you a woman who knew what she wanted, and that made me proud.

You eventually left the house for college, and the next thing I knew is that you were getting graduated. Once again, I don't know where the years went, but you had grown up so much! I'll be honest and say I was afraid that you might end up with bad friendships that could have misled you from your goals and meet guys not worth having you. However, you focused on your goals and had some amazing friends that supported you when you needed them. Once again, I was amazed at the wonderful woman you had become. 

Your mother and I lived peacefully. With all of our children out of the house we gave ourselves some quality time. I remember calling your brothers and your sister and they were all successful at what they wished to do with their life. Then we would call you and the story was basically the same: success. 

You were already setting up with some nice man you met. I won't lie, your future husband looked promising. I don't know how but you made it very easy for me to accept your fiance. This is where I should probably confess that I always wanted to be a tough protective dad that would protect his daughter from bad men, but you picked such a nice guy that you never gave me the opportunity to threaten the guy!

The next thing I knew is that I was at your wedding and you looked amazingly beautiful. It was at that moment when I could see your mother's will in you. You see, your mother had an amazing will to follow her dreams, and that is where I could see how alike you and your mother were. Your mother is the reason why you made it that far. Both of you had a unique charm and a strong determination to fulfill your dreams. I wish I had realized that sooner.

You see, I need to explain something to you. Your mother and I were extremely close to each other and got so far that you were born. The thing is, your mother had different plans from the very beginning. She had her own goals to pursue and I was not included in them. The result was that I gave you a life on my own. I gave you everything I had from the start. Everything except existence. And today I find myself here in my deathbed wishing you had been truly born. I am not even old but chronic sickness can affect anyone at anytime. 

Right now I can see your mother, who I never married, on the spotlight. She went as far as she wanted to and I know that is just the beginning. Next to your mother I saw a cute little girl. I can't help myself but to think that that little girl could have been you. The only difference is that in that case, you would not be my daughter, and your mother is not my wife. My made up memories with you would have yet to come to exist, but with a different father.

Maybe I could have given you a life but I took some really bad decisions. Those decisions led me to a state where no other woman would ever want me and where I was prone to a chronic sickness. I want you to know that my biggest regret is not ever letting you exist. I truly wanted to but I was an idiot and now that will never happen. I truly am the worst dad in the world for not being able to give his sweet little princess a beautiful real life. Even though you were just part of my imagination, I want you to know that I always loved you, and I always will. Hopefully one day you forgive me.

With the most sincere love, 
The worst dad ever.