Dear Soon To Be Dead Me

1

I feel like I'm going nuts, I just can't help that every ten seconds I keep looking at the clock that sits on my nightstand. Or that everytime I hear our song I feel like shoving hot coals down my throat until I feel like I'm burning from the inside out.

I thought that I loved you but now that it's been almost a year without you I'm starting to realize that I just needed a distraction from life and you were willing to provide that escape for me. Even though I think back to the time I was with you for eight months and every time I think back to the "I love you's"

I wonder in my mind was it just a destractuon for you too? Trust me ever since I've been gone my life has been alot easier. But sometimes I'm still looking for escape and I'm to the point that I don't want to be part of the real world anymore that I would hurt anyone for my escape.

Life is cruel, but dreams are addictive. I'm almost impossible to deny myself of what I want even if it's wrong.

I'll look around and see everyone happy and smiling, but then there's me. I push anyone away before that get close. Maybe it's that qoute "We accept the love we think we deserve...." that makes me push everyone away.

Sometime you have no idea how bad I just want to say screw it and do something completely unexpected. Like run up to someone and tell them what I think about them and tell them how I feel and how badly I just want this to end.

Not my life of course but sometimes words are easier than actions.sure actions mean pretty much every thing but other times it's words that can make the difference between leaving and staying.

I haven't found anyone that makes me want to stay. But I know what I want to say to this unknow person that I will maybe one day fall in love with if I ever get that lucky that is.

I would say dear Unknown, I'm afraid of loving you, afraid that if I care I'll ruin everything and you'll want to abandon me. Maybe you'll make my heart beat go crazy when we kiss or you'll make my tears everlasting when you break my heart.

All I know is that wherever you are I hope that you will someday love me. As I might someday love you. Unless of course you don't really exsist.
~A

That's probably what I would tell them. But I won't know until I actually find that person. But my life well I'll just have to keep guessing until I actually find out what will happen even if one day it'll kill me. Which don't worry I'm pretty sure it will one day.

So that was the first chapter. I have no idea what this story will be about or if it'll even make any sense. So you can ask me questions if you want but I'm not sure of how much I'll be able to answer. Enjoy I guess pretty much my thoughts. Don't forget to like, comment, or follow me anytime.

~Annahmarie