I Am Depression

Waking Up

   

          Sometimes you won't wake up until the middle of the day. Maybe even late at night.
          But, if you do wake up early...you wish you wouldn't have. You either go back to sleep or face the day because that is your only choice.
          It's a giant battle. You want to hide from the world and have a pity party for yourself. You want to go back to sleep because it's like death without the commitment. You can't seem to convince yourself that your own foot won't shatter upon impact with the floor.
            If you do manage to get up, you eat...or you don't. You shower....or you don't. You get dressed typically in something bland. You brush your teeth...or you don't. And lastly you walk out the door.
           Say your like me, and have school. You fake a small smile even though you feel like you can't move at all. You walk into the building and anytime somebody asks what's wrong with you, you just tell them you didn't sleep well.
           And that's true....because ever since your depression started you've only had nightmares and you've either slept the day away or not slept at all.
            You sit through classes and don't move your mouth all day except for that small smile that you use all your energy on.
             With all the down time at school, you get to thinking. "I'm not even sad. I'm just an attention whore. So many people have it worse." Even though that isn't true.  And with all the self hate that is built up with this you decide to cut yourself or burn yourself or scratch yourself or pinch yourself or punch yourself or whatever you can do to see your own blood trickle down wherever you want it to.
                   You skip lunch and it's the end of the day and time to head home.