Things are supposed to get better.
I'm trying my hardest. I wonder if I was good enough. But maybe he'd had enough. I'm empty inside. I can't sleep. Can't smile. Can't funtion. It's all fucked up. I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, grasping for air, with puffy eyes. And it's all because of me. I am the reason we're apart. I broke the promises. I said I'd be there for him, yet I'm here.
I try talking to him but it's too hard. The guilt's eating me alive. I don't know what I'd say if I call him. I don't know what I'd say if he'd ask why i got out of touch. I know I cut contacts with him to move on. So that I could forget him. So that I could be happy. But it's just not working. It wasn't supposed to be this way but it feels like my heart's betraying me. Everytime I read our converstations I feel tears running down my cheeks. I feel empty without him.
He was like my own personal diary. He always asked me to write a diary to get rid of my feelings, but I told him whatever was going on and he'd listen patiently. I'd tell him how my day was and he'd tell me how his day was. I'd cry on his shoulder and he'd soothingly rub my back. He'd crack jokes when I felt down. He'd do anything to make me happy.
Blocking him. Was the biggest sin I committed. I know he wouldn't forgive me. I know he hates me now. I know I broke him. I know I don't deserve him.
But I can't help but wonder if he thinks about me just the way I think about him.
I feel a creepy smile crawl up my face when I think about the time when we were together. But at the same time I feel tears running down my face when I think about the sins I committed. He didn't deserve any of them. He didn't deserve what I did to him and maybe that's what is stopping me from calling him because I know I deserve his silence.
I kept waiting for his call. And when he did, circumstances ended it.
I called him back after two days, hoping for him to say anything, to shout on me, to tell me I was stupid to block him, to tell me that he hates me, I wanted him to say anything to me. But I was greeted with silence. And that broke my heart. That made me feel like the fool that I am for expecting him to talk to me.
He doesn't even want to talk to me let alone see me.
I still wait for his call. Everytime I recieve a text I hope it'll be from him. Everytime I recieve a call I hope it'll be his. And it all comes crashing down.
I know I fucked up in the best possible way. I know he wouldn't forgive me. I wonder if he'll understand. I just hope that he knows that I love him. I never stopped and I never can.
I've tried but it doesn't happen. I can't stop loving him. He's the only one who's got my heart.
Looking at all those scars on my body, I feel ugly. I wonder if he thinks I'm ugly too.
I break down in the middle of a road, or in the middle of an exam. But the worst type of crying is when everyone is asleep. When you feel that lump in your throat and you try to swallow it. Your vision becomes blurry from all the tears threatening to spill and you know that you won't be able to blink them away. So you let the tears fall. You just want to scream. You're bent over trying to suck it in and not make any noise so you don't wake anyone up, but it hurts too much. You have to hope your stomach. You can't breath anymore. You're still trying to keep quite but you can't and so you let our a little yelp, and then you regret it because you think someone heard you.
I know, because I'm crying that way.
If only I could, I would move back into the time we were together and make it alright. When I love, I love real hard. Maybe that's the reason I can't let him go.
I know one thing for a fact now that is, if he'll break his promises, I'll still love him. I think of unloving him, but the thought gets lost. My heart repeatidly says not to love him yet it falls in love with him all over again.
He's got following. He's got the love. He's got pretty girls around him. He's got a lot of them falling at his feet. He's got everything. Why would he even need me? He can have anyone he wants.
He's in love with this girl. He wants her. He looks at her like she's the only thing he's ever laid eyes on. How could he not know that he was slowly killing me?
It's maddening, the fact that I know I can never have him. Yet he's the only one that makes my heart race. He's the only one that gives me butterflies in the stomach. The way my name rolled out of his tounge for the first time. It was magical.
I seem to be in a differnet world when I'm with him. It feels like I belong to his world, but maybe he didn't feel the same. Maybe he didn't love me like I love him. Maybe he didn't wanted me like I wanted him. Maybe I wasn't what he was looking for.
If only I could I would have him back in a breath. Cause my heart is all his.
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A/N
Let me know what you think of this.
I won't say much but I hope no body feels this way.
For more, contact me on :
Gmail- chesta53@gmail.com
Love,
Chesta.
