Hello.
I am depressed.
I don't think i will ever be considered pretty. I think I am ugly. I am insignificant.
And it makes me wonder when people are so nice to me, if they are just doing it for their ego or if they really like me. I don't think anyone likes me. I mean like I said I am insignificant. I feel like I am falling down a bottomless hole and the light gets thinner and thinner.
This state I am in causes me to act differently and speak differently e.g. if i am asked "Are you ok" I either reply with "Yes I'm fine" which actually means "No I am not fine but I am ok enough to continue with life." or I say "No I am not fine" which means "No I am not fine if anything I am suicidal and I want to die right now I cannot function properly at all and I think that I will drop dead at some point because you cannot imagine the emotional pain I am going through"
Sometimes I am forced to say that I am fine when I want to say I am not but lets be real, who actually cares if I am not fine? People only ask that question for decoration nowadays but for me, that question determines whether i will stay the same or i will feel even more emotional pain.
Maybe I should explain what I mean by emotional pain. Emotional pain is the worst thing that ever happened to me. It is based on love, but also how I feel about other people. There's a person that I am deeply in love with and this person means the world to me. Unfortunately, this person doesn't feel the same way towards me, which isn't a shock but it's upsetting and I haven't been able to get over this person, even up to now. We are friends at the moment but sometimes I wonder if this person even likes me as a friend. I wish i could get over her but I can't. And if you are a person like me, then one of the only things that keeps you alive is feeling loved. I want to feel loved so badly. It's one of the few tings that actually make me, well, happy. I wish that person would come up to me and kiss me or something or even just give me a hug and tell me that everything will be ok. I really want to feel loved.
Ever since i have been depressed like i said it has changed me as a person. I am not as lovely as I used to be and it's almost like I have forgotten how to socialize with new people. I over-analyse what people say to me and it causes me to panic. Banter is not in my dictionary anymore. I find it hard to start conversations with people. It's so hard for me to trust people because everyone is so evil nowadays. But there are people that I know are always there for me.
I don't think anyone will ever truly understand what I am going through. And that's what makes me upset. The fact that no one can help me. It's impossible. I will always be this way. I will never learn how to meet new people and I will never be accepted. Everyone will look at me and see an alien cause that's how ugly I am. I will never be pretty and no one will ever love me. I will always be a terrible person.
Sometimes I just want to spill out everything to someone. Especially when I am suicidal. I really need someone to talk to but when i do find a person I end up being so insecure. It's really hard to talk to someone but I really need to or else best believe that January 2018 I will be dead.
January 2018 I will be dead. That prophecy loops in my head and I have started to believe it. I haven't fully accepted it because if i did then I wouldn't bother with school but I guess I am trying to do the best I can in this year before I die.
I really don't know who likes me and who doesn't like me because it's hard to tell. I mean, I know most people hate and I am 60% sure that very few people like me. Make that 40% cause I don't know why anyone would like me. I don't like myself.
I feel like I have to act a certain way to be noticed. I don't know how to act like myself cause I don't know who I am anymore. I know that my form hates who I am and I can't change that. I don't belong in my form. It's not home to me anymore.
But to be honest, nowhere is home to me.
Til another time,
Bye.
