hopeless

Untitled Part 1

The feeling of worthless washes over Hinata as he lays on his bed. The bedroom lights are off, which leaves him in darkness, alone. His depression made everything a challenge. Whilst he loved challenges, this just seemed to be one he couldn't tackle. Emptiness mixed with hopelessness filled up everything; his hunger, energy, and thoughts.

He's been thinking "I thought I was doing better" more often lately. He thought that he might be able to lower his dosage on his medicine, he thought he could do therapy once every two weeks, he thought he would stay self harm clean for another six months.

He thought.

Thinking isn't something he should be doing, thinking leads to anxiety, anxiety leads to panic attacks, which lead to major depressive episodes that only his mother knew about. During these times he shuts down completely, they can last up to a few hours, days, or weeks. When the longer episodes occur Hinata dozes off, which is why most of his teammates consider him an airhead. His passing gets even worse, if that's possible.

The Karasuno team doesn't notice anything until Kuroo and Kenma mention it during a training camp.

"Hasn't Hinata, been a bit...off lately? He's lacking his usual brightening aura?" Kuroo slyly asked his childhood best friend, Kenma. Kenma scrunched up his nose thinking more about what Kuroo said.

Kenma replied with a hint of concern in his voice for Karasuno's number 10, "He has...Shoyo also hasn't replied to my text as quickly like usual for a while. He kind of shuts down for a few days, but it's been ongoing for a while."

Nishinoya in the distance heard and put all the pieces to the puzzle together. Hinata has been become more distance from the team in the past month, he also seemed paler then usual, lacked races with Kageyama, and hasn't put in his everything for volleyball anymore. Hinata's eyes looked dead, and bags surrounded them as if he hasn't slept in weeks. The small scratch like marks on his arms that he said was from his cat was a lie, because Hinata is allergic to cats, he doesn't have a cat. For a while Nishinoya stayed in place due to shock, how has he not noticed sooner? Though, he didn't want to jump to conclusions. Maybe he just has a social life outside of volleyball, maybe he's matured out of those silly races he and Kageyama had, maybe he just had a bad nights sleep, maybe he has a hairless cat.

Maybe. Hopefully. Just to be safe Nishinoya told Daichi and Sugawara.

. . .

This episode has been going on for about two months. Hinata stopped taking his medicine about two weeks into "his episode". He didn't see a point in taking it if it wasn't going to be helping him. Now due to the fact Hinata suddenly went off one hundred grams of Zoloft in an unsafe way, his symptoms became worse. He constantly felt drained, like all happiness and color was sucked out of him. Anxiety also became an issue, which started affecting his game play.

"What if they're laughing at my height?"

"What if I hit Kageyama in the back of the head again?"

"What if I miss this quick and we lose the game?"

"This is a practice match but what if it determines whether or not I'm a regular anymore."

What if. What if. What if.

The depressive thoughts also lingered around as well which contradicted everything everyone said to him. Nishinoya would say "Hey Hinata! It's okay! Don't mind!"

He is just saying that out of pity.

Daichi would say, "Next one for sure!"

He doesn't deserve a next one.

Sugawara would sneakily hug him from behind and tell him it's alright, it was just a small mistake. Yet Hinata would also think "yes, but that mistake happened because of me."

. . .

The team started to grow even more worried when Hinata started wearing longer sleeves during practice. Tsukishima even started growing even more worried when Hinata stopped calling him names back and saw that Hinata actually took his snarky comments to heart. Kageyama started to grow even more worried when he notice Hinata stopped staying for extra practice and also came late to practice. Kenma started to even more worried then about Shoyo when he would get one worded replies from Hinata, and Kenma was the trying to keep the conversation going.

. . .

Suicidal thoughts became so frequent it didn't scare him anymore. He felt welcomed. He didn't stop himself when he felt the blade of his razor reach his wrist.

Needless to say, they were all still shocked when they heard that Hinata was in the hospital after an attempted suicide.

Nishinoya was the first one to visit him, telling him how much he meant not only to him