I never realized the extent to which my beliefs shaped me. Here I am, a nineteen year-old overweight college kid with a Buddhist Ohm, a Brighid's Cross (the goddess, not the Saint), and a seriously awkward predicament. How was I supposed to approach my mentor with the idea of psychic reincarnation? I mean, he was a semi-traditionalist. Not big on rituals, but he had a set view of what you could and couldn't do, and what you should never mess with. I had a feeling this was going to be a topic under the latter.
I finally looked up from my laptop, the room empty except for the two of us. "Soooo, Deegan," I started.
He paused the game on his phone and looked up, eyebrows raised and eyes suspicious. "So Rooowen."
I smiled, a knee-jerk reaction. Any time I was nervous or uncomfortable, all of a sudden my mouth would put on the biggest smile the world had ever seen. I hated it. "I was just wanting to discuss something with you....something mentory-ish related."
A small smile played across his lips. Any time he remembered he had power over someone, whether it was knowledge, contractual, or a weird mixture of the two, that smile appeared. He didn't even seem aware of it. I personally feel like it's the demon-y, bargain-y, information whore part of him that consciously smiles. "Okay, what's up?"
I seemed to speak and exhale all in one go. "Well, I already know about reincarnation and all that jazz, and I know some of my lives, and how many lifetimes I've lived, and I was thinking maybe it would be interesting to see if I could push myself forward into seeing a past life....from my future?"
He frowned, cocking his head to one side. "You want to what?"
I started to repeat myself, but he cut me off. "No, no I got that part. What do you mean by seeing a past life from your future?"
I leaned forward, unable to hide my excitement at the idea any longer. "Well, okay. So I know I got a bit of this from Doctor Who, but they have some good insights on some things, like how time isn't actually linear, it's all jumbly and wibbly-wobbly. If it's really like that, which I believe it is, and I'm pretty sure you do too, theoretically, I could look into a past life that, chronologically, hasn't happened to my soul yet. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Well, yeah, I do. It makes sense. But no. You can't do that."
I took a deep breath, trying to stay collected. Come on, Ro. You expected this. You knew he would say no at first. Remember, you have to try to convince him that you can handle it, and that it wouldn't fuck shit up.
"Deegan, it wouldn't hurt anything. There's no telling that I would be a witch in my next life, that I would be able to have any foreknowledge about what's going to happen to me. I just want to see what the future's like, since I won't be able to experience it in this lifetime."
"You experience the future constantly, Rowen."
"You're arguing semantics. You know what I mean, Deegan. And besides, you're my companion. We will be side by side for all of our lifetimes, and you know that I'm your responsibility every single time. You could just keep me from doing anything stupid then."
"I'm keeping you from doing anything stupid now! It's not just the possibility of messing up that lifetime, it's the possibility of you messing up this one, big-time."
"How do you mean?"
"You could learn something about this life from your future one that could throw off every one of your life cycles."
I smiled. "But Deegan, we're always right where we're supposed to be in our cycles. Don't you think if I do this, I was always supposed to do this? And that whatever growth I need may come from this experience?"
He scowled. "That's not how it works, Rowen!"
I shrugged. "Fine. If you won't help me do it, maybe I'll just find someone else!"
"If you do, you'll void our contract. I won't be your mentor any longer. Not to mention I will be majorly pissed, and disappointed."
"This is not harming me, Deegan! It's just exploration for curiosities' sake! Hell, you could come with me if you wanted. I'd put as many restrictions as you wanted on what I could see, and do, and remember! Just...please? I want to do this. I have to. I don't know why, I just do."
He stared at me for what seemed like forever, considering. I kept eye contact, refusing to look away first. I needed to prove I was able to do this, that I should be allowed to. I needed this, for some weird reason. This was just meant to be.
"No."
I blinked. "I'm sorry?"
He leaned back into the couch, picking up his phone again. "I said no. It's too dangerous, too risky. I won't allow it."
I stood up. "Fine, whatever. Wasn't important anyway."
I walked through the city for several hours, trying to decide what to do. Just do it anyway, he won't know! Yeah, except he reads fate lines, is a master tarot reader. Not to mention the fact that you can't lie to him to save your life. So? It's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Once you start, he can't stop you. That's a stupid argument. Is it, though? You know you have to do this. He'll understand, even if he's angry for a little while. I guess... And you said yourself, you need this, for whatever reason. That's not just gonna change and you know it. Fine, I'll do it.
I ignored the guilt trying to weigh me down, and tried to decide where I should go. Obviously not home, or Deegan would stop me before I started. I checked my wallet. Fifty-seven dollars and my debit card. I could.....I was pretty close to the Motel 8. I walked in, got a room, and shot a text to my other roommate.
Hey, Joey. Text Deegan to pick you up today, I'm staying at a friend's. See you tomorrow.
I didn't wait for a reply before shutting off my phone. If I was going under, I didn't need any distractions. I set four alarms on the clock in the hotel room to break the trance. One in two hours, four hours, six and eight hours. I didn't expect to be out for eight but hey, you never know.
I laid back onto the bed, closed my eyes, and began my meditation.
