Finding Home

Chapter 1

Panting for breath, I flopped down onto the third closest seat to the front of the rusty, khaki coloured, drab school bus that was my bumpy ride to one of the most dreaded places for most kids my age, school. Seaburrow Elementary and Junior High School which I've attended my entire life, was one of the only places I felt I could be me. It was my happy place, there wasn't someone watching my back ready to criticize my every action or eager to punish me at a moments notice. There were no half empty beer bottles from horrific nights before or still slightly lite cigarettes burning from several hours ago. No one ever screamed at me or hit me, I was treated better there than anywhere else, but no one can know that. No one can know any of this. Everything is a secret hidden from the world in order to protect us. My mouth must stay closed because if they find out, if they discover, I'd be taken away from my Mama faster than you can light a cigarette.

The bus came to an abrupt jolt several minutes later at the next stop, the scene from twenty minutes earlier still fresh as newly picked apples from our Granny Smith tree out back in my brain. I tried to shake it off as I spotted the bright scarlet hair of my closest friend, AJ climbing the steps onto the bus. AJ, which I've called her since we met in the first months of grade one, stands for Alexa Jane. She is possibly the most unimaginably kind person I've ever met. I'm so thankful to have been partnered up with her to share a cubby on the first day of school or we'd never become such good friends. I was able to put on a small smile as she plopped herself down beside. She was also sporting a smile, one much larger than mine.

"You'll never guess what I just found out!?!?" 

"What?" I looked up in a daze, still deep in thought about what would happen if Mama didn't clean up the bottles and cigars today and about him. A.J.'s face fell instantly and she sunk into our seat, the seat we'd sat in for three years straight. "What happened?" was all she had to say for plump, fat tears to begin rolling down my face, collecting in my lap. "S-h-h-ee, th-they, the the the CS-SSS and the, the h-house. And J-J-a-". I could barely get anything meaningful out with steady tears retreating down my face and my brain still comprehending everything that had and would happen.
"Hold on." A.J. said calmly, grasping my shoulders to steady me. "You need to calm down, what's thirteen times four?" I took a deep breath and tried to clear my brain. "F-fifty two." I stuttered. "Good, good." She replied, "How about eleven times fourteen?"

A.J. is the best. She doesn't question me or push me for anything. Knowing without a doubt that something happened she immediately started on with the math questions. Focusing on math always distracts me and gets my mind off of everything. Once my mind is full of math, I'm able to talk without my awful stutter and speak clearly and calmly.
Several minutes later once my breathing relaxed and was strong enough to speak, I spilled everything out as quickly as a glass of milk toppling over and running everywhere, "Well, ok, where to begin? Ok, so I guess it all started last night. Mama was having another one of her parties, you know how those always go."
Mama's parties weren't just any old adult party. They cost more money than I can count. These all-night events could go on forever and involved smoke everywhere, people passionately kissing each other right, left and centre, not even seeing my Mama for hours until after the party started, and people drunk minutes after they arrived. They were horrible, they only happened once Mama's pay check was in for the month if she had a job at all. Since these "social gatherings", as Mama called them, started years ago, I'd just accepted the fact that on these nights there was no chance of homework being completed or more that a couple minutes of sleep until the late hours after the party ended if it ever did. Most mornings, if wake up with a dozen people still half-heartedly jamming out to the pounding music with a almost empty solo cup loosely hanging in their hand. But if everyone cleared out, it would take me the rest of the night and much of the morning to calm down and pull myself together.
A.J. nodded, her eyes filling with concern, knew exactly how Mama's parties went. I continued, "Well there was something different about this particular party, I mean, I don't think it was all that different from others, but there was something different inside of me this time. Last night I was just finished with these reoccurring parties every month. So after finally locating Mama, two hours into the party, I let everything I promised myself I would never say out. I screamed and yelled at her, demanding why she wasn't ever concerned about me or my life or if the music and noise would be affecting me and my work. I called her things a daughter should never let come out of their mouth. I-I," but I couldn't continue, the tears were coming in amounts the size and force of waterfalls. All A.J. did was hold me tight, rocking back and forth whispering comforting words into my ears. A boy who was maybe a grade or two above us's head popped over the seat and after taking in the scene began chanting, "CRYBABY! YOU'RE A C-C-CRYB-" A.J. cut him off so fast he couldn't even think about starting his chant over again. She said some words I didn't catch because I was too consumed with everything I still had to say out loud. A.J. turned back to me, wiping away some new fallen tears.
She didn't push me to continue until I had calmed down again. "I am such a dreadful, dreadful daughter to say or even think those things. She doesn't deserve it, she tries, I know she does. She's trying so hard to get us to a better place, it's just taking longer than either of us expected it would. I didn't mean a word I said to her, not one. She's a good, good Mama. I love her and, well, I don't think she'll ever love me back or as much as-" A.J. quickly interrupted, "No, don't think those things Anna. You can't. You're an amazing daughter. You Mama loves you tons. You can't let those thoughts run through your head a million times. You've been given an unfair home life and nobody should be put through your life troubles." I stared up at her. She'd never said anything like that to me before. She, nobody, had ever  told me I'd been given an unfair life or that no one should be put in my place. My life is perfectly fine, okay, well maybe there are a couple bumpy sections, but everyone has those, right. Or so I thought. "What?" I asked dumbfounded, still stunned after what she said. "What do you mean?", A.J. froze for less than a split second, but covered up quickly. "You know what, never mind, just never mind. What else happened?". I paused for several seconds, still shocked at what she'd said. Unfair home life? My like was fine just like everyone else's. I pushed he thought away. "Um, right. Well of course she yelled right back at me for several different reasons. The first was for interrupting her. Honestly I didn't mean to, I was just so fed up with her." I opened my mouth to continue, but before I could A.J. asked, "What was she doing that was so important she couldn't spare a moment for you?" A.J.'s face was covered in a rage I'd never seen before, in fact I'd never seen a lot of A.J.'s actions today before. I swallowed, "Uh, well. I though she and Jared broke up or were taking a break or something, well I don't really know," I began to mumble off. A.J. pulled my face up to meet her eyes and made me focus. "Well, apparently, they're back together and, um I've walked in on Mama when's she's . . . kissing someone, but that does mean I like it very much." I looked up at A.J. Her face was scrunched up in the same face she makes when she sees broccoli on her plate. I couldn't quite tell what was going on in her head so I kept talking. "Anyway, she got up and yelled at me for as she called it barging in unannounced, and why I was still up and to get everyone out because the lady from CSS was coming tomorrow and if the house wasn't clean as crystal then we'd both end up far away from here and each other." A.J. just kind of stared at the floor for a minute deep in ocean of her own thoughts when finally several minutes later she snapped back to here and now and asked,"What happened this morning?" That had almost escaped me until now. This morning had been awful, worse than usual. She was hungover and still drunk as ever, but there was something different. Something was off, well not off, but out of the ordinary. She dreamily walked into the kitchen this morning gazing nowhere in particular, but not at me. She didn't even notice me until she'd taken the first sip of her coffee. When she looked up at me, she seemed to have forgotten I was there and who I was.
Then everything came crashing down on her, last night, the party and the way she had so easily yelled at me, rambling on about everything I was doing wrong or all the things I wasn't doing right. I watched her remember everything on her face? I figured she'd apologize and remind me of how much she loves me and how nothing can or will separate us, like usual. Except this time she didn't, she stood there, her face turning from the pleasant smile that had been in dreamland moments before to anger and rage. I didn't know what to do. I just sat there locking my eyes on my frosted flakes that were beginning to become just flakes, with all the icing being taken away by the creamy coloured milk. Just the way I would probably be taken away from the only mother I ever knew by the CSS the minute I arrived home today.
All of the sudden, we both started screaming at each other at the exact same moment. I was hollering about how inconsiderate she'd been and how the reason none of my chores or schoolwork was complete was because of her and her dumb, stupid, loud party. I shouted at a volume I didn't think I could reach about how little sleep I got and how I was sorry for not cleaning the house and I was sorry we weren't going to be together anymore. I'm not anymore though. I can now see what a horrible place I've been put in. A.J. was right. I have been given a bad home life. My life is much, much worse than I realized and I wasn't going to take it anymore.
I was crying at this point, the whole time I'd been saying this she'd been ranting on and on about how I ruined the party last night by shuffling people out (seeming to forget her request last night to do that very thing). She went on about how I should already be at school and how it was my fault we were going to be taken away from each other. Then she started on the house and what a mess it was and "how could I have ever let this happen to us" was what she continuously repeated until, all the sudden Jared, of all people sauntered right up to us and smirked so briefly before saying, "Ladies, laides, I'm sure you're both just tired. Please break it up. I hate to watch my two favourite women fight. It's awful, simple awful." I turned away, scowling. I was not his women, I wasn't anyone's women. I was still a girl. I slowly swivelled back to face Mama and Jared, they were embraced tightly, gazing into each other's eyes. I broke that up quickly by asking,"What are you doing here?" "This is NOT your house and I am NOT your "woman". I-" stammering I tried to continue, but before I could Jared interrupted me. Jared or J-Daddy as he said I could call him even though he was not my dad. He'd never be my dad. 
Jared focused his eyes directly on me and slowly, discretely said," You WILL go get your bag and catch the bus," he paused and then added, "IMMEDIATELY!!". I rushed off bumping into a chair as I went. I was barely able to grasp my breath before I skidded into my room, seized my books, binders, some money for lunch and other school day necessities. I returned  before a minute had past and headed for my sneakers. Jared came up to me, I stiffened, "One more thing, just because you feel a little grouchy today, does not give you the right to speak to your mother in that tone and volume." Then as an after thought he added," Or me either for that matter." He smirked again. I was so confused. "What?" I demanded. Smiling he replied, "Oh, nothing just last night, I, uh, proposed to your mother. I'm going to be your Daddy squirt!" I opened my mouth, horrified. "No, no, NO!!!! You hear me, no! You will not and will never be my "Daddy"." I ran, I didn't care if I missed the bus, I just ran. I had to get far, far away from everything. No more Jared or Mama or anyone.