A/N: im sad ok
--
Mafu
No.
I get it, it's wrong to fall in love like this, but I just can't help it.
He's really kind, gentle, and patient with me and other people. He's sort of like a mean mom friend who you'd always talk to whenever you have problems. He'd always be there to start a conversation when you can't.
But no.
We can't be together.
Because he's in love with someone else.
And that someone likes him back.
I know, I know, I need to get over this. I mean, there's more people here. There's more fish in the sea, I already got that idea.
But, he's always so special to me.
No matter how much I try to stop these feelings, he'll always be the only who'd make me feel this way.
He was always the one who made me feel as if there were butterflies in my stomach. He's always the one who'd cheer me up. He was always there when I needed him the most.
Heck, he even saved me from the time when I was being badly bullied.
He meant so much to me. I tend to hold onto him for dear life, saying that 'it's okay to stay over so suddenly'. I try to find every reason for him to just stay in my house or just by my side.
But he goes anyway.
I need to stop these feelings once and for all, so I started by locking myself in my room for 3 days straight.
Yes, that meant seeing no one, eating nothing, and doing nothing.
I just wanted my body to decay, just like how I want my feelings to as well.
I was startled by sudden banging on the door at 5:00 am on the fourth day, followed with a worried voice.
"Mafumafu, open your door!"
I huffed, Don't use that tone on me. I don't want to love you anymore.
"No." I sighed back.
You love someone else, right? I need to end this.
"Mafu!" He cried out. "I'm worried for you!"
"Go worry about Lon instead!" I forced myself to giggle, which ended up sounding like a small bitter cough. "She's your girlfriend, isn't she?"
"Why bring up a topic about Lon here?" He confusedly asks, still banging on the door. "Open up!"
"Just leave me and go to your girlfriend! Go gush about stuff to her and be lovey-dovey instead of wasting your time with trash like me!!" I yelled.
Silence.
He probably left.
I sighed.
I'm emotionally tired. I didn't mean to yell at him.
I started to cry, insulting myself in my head as I did so.
You idiot! Now he'll think that you actually hate him now. You could've just opened your door, dumbass! Just what the hell were you thinking?!
I stopped sobbing when I heard soft knocking on my door. "..Mafumafu?"
"Go away." I sobbed, cursing at myself for doing so.
He gently knocked on the door. "Please tell me what's wrong."
I'm upset and fed up. I just want to get this over with.
I stand up from my bed, marched over to my door and slammed the door open.
"You want to know what's wrong?" I deadpanned. "Honestly, I don't care if you hate me or not, because you'll end up hating me anyway."
He looks surprised, probably because I'm not talking the way I usually do.
I just want this to end.
"The problem?" I sighed. "The problem is that I've liked you for a long while now."
His eyes widened.
"And yes," I rolled my eyes. "I know that you're going to say that you're sorry because you're in a relationship with one of our close friends and it's Lon yadda, yadda."
I start to pull on my hair. "I get it. You and Lon can go on being happy about your lives and forget about me. I just don't feel anything anymore."
"You don't have to say anything." I gave him a smile, IwanttopukeIwanttopukeIwanttopuke, "Have fun with your own little world, Soraru-san. Bye."
I closed the door and locked it. I feel so disgusted and sad and negative to the point where I don't even want to move anymore.
I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink, I don't want to do anything.
I hear soft footsteps fading away, and just huddled myself up by the door. I don't even have the energy to just stand up.
I'm tired. I'm tired of my life, this feeling, and having to suffer.
I want to end it all.
But I can't.
Because way too many people know me and love me for my voice. So if I were to disappear from this world, I would be troubling them instead.
So I'll just be slowly decaying here in my own room.
Amatsuki sometimes passed by, but I pretended to be asleep so I won't have to open the door and see his face. So does Kashitarou-san.
And Soraru-san? He still comes around.
But all he does is knock.
And the next thing I hear is;
"Hmm? Someone was living here? I didn't notice."
Lon.
I just want to pull my hair until I pull out a piece of my brain and just die like that.
No one would care because no one knew that you just killed yourself.
But I can't, because I want to support my fans and family.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I want to die, but I don't want to.
I hate it.
I hate myself for being so complicated and noisy.
I want to cut my tongue off.
The stupid image of him makes my heart ache.
But I can't get myself to hate him at all.
I just can't.
I love him too much.
I sometimes wish that they'd just break up, but that's just me being a mean person.
And after a week, Amastuki had to burst into my room, blabbering about having to picklock my door and that I wasn't taking care of myself at all.
He treated me until I felt better.
But that's just a front.
Because until now, I'm dead inside.
--
A/N: im sorry if mafu seems really ooc i just had to vent and im just so upset about myself shdbsnnzns
