Grin And Bear It.

looking up

my feet nervously slapped the concrete as Ellie dragged me to hell, oh wait my bad, student reception.

"Ellie are you really making me do this?" i sighed for the thousandth time hoping she'd change her mind.

"yes now get your arse in there. it'll be better if you get it over with" she smiled encouragingly.... satan child.

thinking back over the last few month i'd drawn a conclusion, i needed help, blurting fractions out to people every now and then? wasnt good enough. And yet my little ginger midget friend bullied me into counselling? she must be a ninja.. . so here we were, waiting to be shipped to the appropriate teachers office, i - of course- had picked Mr Hodges, he gets it. probably because he found me last time when i was broken but hey, ill take what im given.

The lady on the front desk smiled and buzzed open the door, " down there, office on the left at the end, her voice was distant and empty despite how close she was to me, sweat collected on my palms... i could still back out now right? i turned to glance at Eloise, the expression on her face... NOPE .. no chance in hell. The door swung back into place, emphasisng the point of no return. Bugger. i cracked my knuckles as i tried to (without much success ill add ) make it to the end of the hall. the twenty feet of cold hard floor, Man up child. i swallowed a few times and  realised id already reacher the door. now or never.

" hellooooo" i half sung, nervous habit.

" hello, whats up then?" He spun round in his chair, it got wedged against the desk and broke free with a loud crack. A giggle escapes my mouth, well it broke the ice...

i quickly plonked my ass into a chair, not wholly trusting my legs, " who do i need to talk to to get counselling? or find out about it or yanoo... " i trailed off, afraid to meet his eyes, i felt like i'd given up, not strong enough to keep fighting, i'd half convinced him i was coping a few weeks ago, guess that shit flipped quick eh..?

" i can sort that for you, might take a while but i can sort it." i risked a glance, he was smiling almost. dayam! i've admitted to being a ickle bit mad...

"errr, who has to know, parents?" i crossed my fingers...

" nobody at all, completely confidential." he smiled at me knowingly, so he knew i didnt want to tell mum and dad. A grin spread its way across my face, a huge weight lifted, i could deal with this madness now, baby piece at a time.

A little piece of me, somewhere near my heart, fluttered with life, excitement of being able to cope with everything, i felt a little humaner, less zombified, more in control of thoughts, emotions, everything. no more balancing on knife blades ready to fall the wrong way at any hiccup. i had growing space, and i was no way in hell going to lose the advantage.