Drabble

Listless writing

The ecstasy of having another being's hand on his body drove him insane. He loved the feeling

of someone holding him, caressing his body, kissing his lips until they were red and bruised

from the force behind it. To feel himself be rendered helpless by two people, that was pure

ecstasy. To feel two people holding him down, to feel one in the front, one in the back, it was

dizzying and mind-numbing. Feeling the thrust of a man, feeling his rough hands grabbing at

him like a piece of meat, feeling worthless yet priceless at the same time- he craved this feeling.

He wanted to feel that more than anything else, to feel loved yet worthless to another. It was the

greatest feeling in the entire world to him- sure, he could find a partner to spend the rest of his

life with but what fun would that be? No, the real, factual reason was far more disgusting and

terrible than just having fun.

Self-destruction. Guilt trips. Self-loathing. Questioning fidelity. Over-thinking. He had mastered

each and every single one beautifully. He was a mess of different emotions, stemming from a

single problem.

Loss.

He had discovered early on in a young age that all things in life were a take. Take, take, take.

Everything he had ever wanted- he took. He would beg and beg, eventually taking that want

eagerly and possessively. He would obsess over the things he could not have, and throw away

the things he could just to get a wisp of that want. It was a horrific cycle, that give and take. He'd

receive pure affection and love from a young soul.

Young.

Such a strange word to him, it was a word he loathed. While others revelled in their childhood

memories, this poor boy- no, not poor. This pitiful boy, or rather, pathetic male had nothing but

poisoned memories. Remembering only near death, drugs, abuse, sex, he had no recollection

of his good memories. Only able to recount his tainted ones.

He hated being called wise beyond his years because he knew he didn't deserve or want that

knowledge at all. The male wanted to feel innocent and pure, unknowing of the underground.

But even then, he was innocent to those men and women. He still was scraping at the surface

of it, mindful of what a small part of it held in its ocean of sin. He felt weak and pathetic, knowing

so much but at the same time, knowing so little.

He had knowledge and experience- yet none at all. Hating the feeling of his ignorance and his

familiarity of it all. He knew of what it was like to have friends- to experience joy and love. But at

the same time, he knew of misery and despair. He knew of loneliness, of how horrid it was to

wait impatiently for someone to hold him or pat his head while telling him it was okay. It was

okay.

It's always okay.

At least, that's what he let on. He had never had the chance to feel a man touch him intimately,

but nevertheless, fantasized of it. Longing for the mistreatment was his specialty. He could tell,

write, and draw in almost perfect detail, his desires. His desires were dark to the minds of

society. He was a virgin in physical form only. Only going so far as to feel a velvety tongue

sliding into him, a slender finger pumping in and out at a fast pace- but never more than one, for

he was tight and sensitive. He was sensitive, easily hurt by anyone or anything, both physically

and mentally.

But this boy, who was he? Or who is he?

This boy's name was unknown. Did he have one for sure? Possibly not.

For what did he do to deserve a name?

This boy is tainted.

This boy is tired.

This boy is loving.

This boy is unable to find happiness as one friend has told him. And he believes it. Ever since

he was small, he believed he could bullshit his way through life by telling people he was okay

and then turning to cheer them up when he was breaking down. He feels weak. He has broken

down some times in front of his friends and lovers. When he breaks down he lets his true

colours show. A culmination of soft greens and blues mixed with a streak of inky blackness. His

laminated cover is a bright red and soft orange. He has compassion and love to spare for all but

himself.