forgive me➹bts angst

«jungkook; i hate you»

I hate you a lot you know that?

So much, that your existence was the reason why I tortured myself everyday. Looked at myself in the mirror, tell myself I'm trash, I'm not good enough to please you, that I'm just a low life, helpless for love or any sort of affection. I was fine until you stepped into my life, running in a big game of popularity, fame, love from fans all around the world, International. I had everything I could ever want. But when you came into the picture, everything around me seemed to change, you were the only thing in my mind.

I hate the things you used to say to me. Those words that always repeated in my mind. The constant, "I love you", And words of encouragement to keep on going, even if you were having a hard time yourself, you cared way too much about me rather than yourself. I wish you didn't say those things to me, because I wouldn't be in such pain today.

I hate the smell of you. It wasn't particularly a bad smell, but the sweet scent of your fragrence you left in my bed every time we would cuddle. Since your gone, it's dissapered- yet I can still smell he same perfume you wore. It was different from what usual girls would wear, it was special. Every time I embrace my pillow in hopes of some warmth, I can smell the small tint of it, I wish it would go away.

I hate that smile that you gave me. The smile that haunts my brain every time I step out the door, seeing couples around the area, holding hands, going to restraunts- things that we used to do. That smile every time we took a photo together, I remember you telling me to smile. So I did. I honestly looked alright in the photo, yet your smile was the real killer in it, It was gorgeous. But, If you had never smiled, I wouldn't have to remember it and think about it all the time.

I hate your lies. Your constant lies telling me that your okay, saying that you were feeling fine. I remember calling you one time, I heard your voice, stilll angelic but hints of sickness. You told me everything was fine. It was all lies.
Just because of my career, you lied that it was okay if i went to trips alone, even though Jimin told me that you cried yourself too sleep since my leave. I wish you never cried, Then I wouldn't have wanted to rush home and hug you tightly.
The lie which caught my attention was when I saw you hugging someone outside the our house door where we moved in. A smile on your face as you embraced him. It hurt me so much and you didn't know? I was angry, after that man left I confronted you, not calmly to ask who that was, but shouted at you to get out of my life. You said it was a misunderstanding.
I didn't listen.
I just yelled.
Told you to get out.
With tears in your eyes.
You left.
and.. I regretted everything.

I.

...

I hate myself.

I hate it so much that I was foolish, selfish of my own needs and not yours, not thinking about you and how much you needed me in times like that. I wish I'd asked you more nicely, I never knew the person you embraced was a doctor. The one telling you that you were in danger of a illness. The one I could see from your symptoms, but I didn't ask you properly. Tell you that it was going to be okay. I just pushed you away. And because of my actions.

I hate the fact that I love you. And I can't forget all the memories we shared with each other, everything single photo I burn, It only makes me want to cry more. Because now your gone. I can't move on.

I hate it. I'm sorry.

I love you.