Beyond Us

I never understood that rare glimmer in your eyes when you see her.

Was it respect? Affection? Admiration?

... Love?

It can't be, can it? After all, you just had known her for merely 5 months. You barely knew whom she really was, how she acts when she's not around you, so how can you look at her as if she was your whole universe?

I despised it. Hated it, really. How can I not? I was the one who was always there for you for the past 10 years. I was there listening to all your drunk rants, cheering you up when you failed your first bar exam, preventing your suicidal thoughts. I was there during your lowest and highest moments.

And yet, never once have you glanced at me that way. Never have you been thankful to have a friend like me. And unlike what I have done for you, never have you listened to what I say or be there beside me when I needed you the most. You have always taken me for granted.

I just turned twenty-two on the final day before college graduation. As a new resolution and a birthday present to myself I decided to collect my courage and finally expressed how I felt to you after all this time, my pride be damned. You got accepted into working in a famous law firm and I was going to medical school soon, so I have nothing to lose, right?

And then you did something very unexpected that made me hurt in ways I didn't know I could hurt. You said wait. You didn't even hear what I've got to say, and you said there was something more important you needed to do first. She suddenly appeared in my vision and after slowly walking towards her; you got down on one knee and asked her if she could be yours forever. It was truly devastating. Nonetheless I had to pretend like it was all okay. I forced myself to smile and congratulated the both of you.

It took months, hundreds of tissue boxes and dozens of chocolate éclairs to get over you. I was angry at you but really, I was angry with myself. I felt so stupid about waiting for you for so long when deep down I knew that we were not meant for each other and that I was delusional in thinking that one day you might feel the same way. I distracted myself from you instead and turned my life upside down. I began studying like I've never done before, taking extra classes and working as many part-times at the ER as I could. I had a new goal. I was going to be the best graduate of med-school and I will be a successful neurosurgeon. I will show you what you had once had and lost. I was going to make you regret.

Slowly but surely, I was reaching that goal. Everyone turned to me for help. The professors trusted and recommended me. I was guaranteed a residency spot at the neurosurgery department of the infamous Johns Hopkins Hospital. Even you started bragging to everyone that your 'best friend' is going to be the Class of 2018's valedictorian of Harvard Medical School and Johns Hopkins's best neurosurgeon. You started to respect me and looked up to me. To everyone it might look like I was on top of the world, but for some reason, it felt extremely hollow inside.

Then one night after an exhausting night class you called me to meet you outside the dorms. I didn't know that my past prayers were going to be answered. You told me you have broken off your engagement with her because she cheated on you and you have never felt comfortable and content with her. You said you felt that way; that you felt the happiest when you were with me. You apologized and realized that it was I all along. You asked me to give you a chance.

And that moment was the moment that the tables were turned and I asked you to simply wait.

Sitting in the corner of a small, quiet café near Harvard Square, I could smell the freshly ground coffee and the chilly air with Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice on my hand and a cup of tea in the other. What an irony. The letters in the book looked foreign, as my mind was lost in another dimension. And suddenly all my thoughts and despair were shattered, when he came saying hi.

I noticed him during one of my lectures. He was hard to forget, really, being the son of Johns Hopkins Hospital's deputy director and Head of Neurosurgery. Regardless of not knowing who he is, his physical treat isn't something one can ignore, despite being in a crowded room. With a head full of hazel locks, striking blue-green eyes and a toned body, even Adonis would be jealous.

He introduced himself and I didn't think I could ever hear the sound of my own heart beating. He said it was nice, finally seeing face to face the girl everyone has been comparing him with to be our class' valedictorian. He politely asked if I would like to come to one of his father's lectures the week after, thus getting my phone number in the process. Our small talk led to being one of the most interesting conversations I had with someone. I didn't even know I could talk to someone for hours and not even being a single bit bored.

Unfortunately the time came for him to leave for his class. He excused himself and walked away before looking back at me one last time and smiled. It was then that the realization hit me. I called you and asked you to see me, finally knowing what my answer to your confession was.

I finally told you the honest truth about how I felt about you all these years, and that I will still love you no matter what. With that, you smiled a very bright and contagious smile that it made me felt dreadful to say the next words; the fact that the love I have for you now is different than the one I felt a year ago. I apologized and told you that you had your chance and you took it for granted. With that I walked away from you and the past, before you asked me one last question.

"What made you change your mind?"

I smiled a genuine smile at him, answering the question to myself.

I finally found the person that looked at me the same way you looked at her once upon a time.