I literally felt like I was dying. Out of nowhere my chest felt like it was going to explode. Listening to Sonic Youth, while riding the train to school, didn't help matters any. Neither did the marijuana I smoked prior. It was that really strong medical shit. Although a stonafide pot-head, I'm not interested in the minor, in depth knowledge behind it. I know there's a huge difference between dirt weed and its superiors, but it's all the same to me. Unless convenient, I don't go out of my way to for the higher grade shit. I'm too lazy and cheap for all of that. But, on this particular day, I had the good shit. I also must note that I'm the worst middle-man out there. I barely comprehend the black-top pharmacy street lingo, so I feel like I'm stranded in China, struggling to communicate with the natives. I just want the smoke. That's the extent of it. Weed has no class system in my heart. Utopia?
Back to the point at hand, I was freaking the fuck out. "I'm buggin' out, I'm buggin' out," - A Tribe Called Quest. On this particular day, the "good" weed backfired. The FIRE backFIRED. I felt like I was losing my mind. The marijuana wasn't to blame, but the torturous anxiety was. Although I knew completely where I was, I felt completely lost. I couldn't even breathe in a normal fashion. There was struggle in even existing. Oh the struggle, woe the fuck is me. I'm almost feel guilty for being fucked up. That's fucked up.
Being that school is located in the middle of one of the worst areas in the city, the possibility of getting my head blown off was there. I almost would have been open to the idea, if it wouldn't have been so ridiculous. To describe my state accurately, I felt like a freakish, wild animal, being encaged inside of an inferiority complex. Unfed and left to barely survive. Somebody call PETA! No don't. Once I touched down at school, the uneasiness didn't evaporate. It was already much too humid. I was sweating out discomfort. It's strange to think of how random panic attacks you, in the least threatening situations, despite no outward signs for legitimate cause. Chain-smoking cigarettes seemed like my only option, which I did, with the clammiest of hands known to man. They kept slipping from my fingers repeatedly. It was an outrage. My nervous ticks began to feel as if they were forming into a permanent case of Tourette's. It was scary man, scary stuff. Even the cheap breathing exercises were a useless, feeble attempt at tranquility. The road was rocky for the foreseeable future. I don't even drive and I was getting the shaft.
Anxiety then rose to the point of initiating a collection of dry heaves, with the posing threat of vomit. Although my stomach was empty, it seemed hell bent on scraping the digestive system for any potential left overs, which could have possibly been upgraded to throw-up. I naively tried to maintain composure, but I was cracked like broke pavements, being trampled over by dickheads. This all seemed very uncalled-for. I wondered what I had done wrong. Surely karma must have been involved. Unless the thought of karma is full of shit too? Then I got no explanations for us at the moment.
I was so mentally fucked up that I didn't even go to class. I sat out front of the room and waited to just go home. It seemed too far of a feat to overcome. I smoked a countless amount of more cigarettes. Finally I just walked back to the train and was going to make my way home. I know it seems ridiculous, because it is. What's the point of going down there, only to skip class? Why not just stay home? I do not fucking have a clue. I'm retarded.
I didn't start feeling normal until I actually sat down in the discomfort of my home. I ate food and began to feel somewhat normal. Somewhat adequate. I was in a technical safe-haven.
It would only be a matter of time before another freakout would occur. But, it's impossible to predict. Anxiety would have had Nostradamus himself stumped. "I don't know Bud E. Ice, you're capable of this at any time." Thanks, that means a lot, and is quite comforting. End. There's was no point or message here.
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