Deeper (5SOS Ashton Irwin Fanfic)

Chapter 5

Lily’s POV:  

I spend all day looking forward to seventh period. I’m also dreading it at the same time. If we maybe had a different topic, I’d be much more enthusiastic. But no. No not this topic. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about reading about this, let alone finding pictures.  

It all started last year. I was the leader of my group of friends, & essentially the one everyone goes to for help. We weren’t your typical mean girls, if you didn’t have somewhere to sit at lunch you could count on us. & that’s exactly what happened.  

Maya Shay was new to Marshal High. She walked into lunch the first day without a clue as to where to go. I saw her confusion & reached out to her, helping her through the line & offering her to sit with Ainsley & I. She agreed.  

Maya was gorgeous. & I mean gorgeous. Soft blue eyes framed by long, brown curls that fell to her mid back. She wasn’t your average girl though, she reminded me a lot of Ashton actually. Band shirts, ripped jeans, screamo music always blasting in her ears. But she was kind & genuine, & thats all I cared about.   One day I went to Maya’s house to sleep over. When we got ready for bed, she changed in the other room, which I found extremely odd. The next morning, I woke up before she did. Bored & not wanting to wake her, I got on my phone & scrolled through Instagram. Out of the corner of my right eye I saw her roll over onto her left side, her face towards me. Her left arm rested below her body & out, like she was going to shake my hand. I looked over at her & smiled lightly. I looked at her hand & then looked back at my phone. But suddenly, I did a double take. I squinted.  

A medley of little & big scars lined her wrist.  

I kind of flinched at first, scared. I’d never known someone who cut themselves. I didn’t even know it was a common thing. I looked a bit closer & saw that they went all the way up her arm, criss crossing over & over. She definitely wasn’t new to this.  

I tried my hardest to ignore it until she woke up. When she did, we ate waffles & pancakes for breakfast. I didn’t dare say a word, afraid I’d say something wrong & make her harm herself again.   I

think she noticed, because she asked me, “Lil what’s up? You’re rather quiet.”  

I sat & thought for a second about what to say. Finally, I knew what to say.  

“Maya, if there was something bugging you, you would tell me right? Like if you were upset, you would come to me?” I asked shyly. I saw her eyes widen as she blinked a glance at her wrist. She wrapped her arms around her waist & played with her feet.  

“You saw them didn’t you?” Maya whispered, barely audible. I nodded slowly & soon we were on her couch as she cried into my shoulder. She never told me why she did it, just that she couldn’t stop.  

Maya ended up moving the next month. Her father lost his job & had to move 3 hours away to get a new one. I lost all touch with her too. I didn’t mean to, it just happened. So when I heard Mr. Poyer tell me I’d be researching that, all I could think about was that morning in which I saw her weakest side.  

I walk to seventh period English glumly, still caught in my never ending train wreck thoughts about my topic. When I enter the classroom, almost everyone’s already there as usual. I take my seat next to Ashton & he glances over slightly. I smile a little & earn a head nod from him. Progress?  

The bell rings & Mr. Poyer leads us to the computer lab to start our projects. Ashton & I sit in the far back. When everyone begins to work, we stay silent.  

Finally, I know I have to speak.  

“Uh, how about I do some research, you bring up Powerpoint, & copy what I say down, okay?” I suggest. He looks over at my fingers on my keyboard & nods a little, bringing up the program. He types in Self-Harm & Depression by Ashton Irwin & Lily Harlamert painfully slow, wincing after every word. Me too buddy.   

Me too.  

Ashton’s POV:  

Believe it or not, I had a pretty normal childhood. A mom, a dad, your average sized house. Nothing seemed out of place. Until my tenth birthday.  

I went to school that day & my class gave me candy & celebrated with me. I’ll never forget it because we went to eat lunch & the whole cafeteria was singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. I smiled so big & long that my cheeks ached.  

My mom picked me up that day as usual & we drove home. She was leaning back to me in the back seat, telling me she had a surprise for me at home. She was turning a corner when it happened.  

A speeder hit her head on & she was killed instantly.   

Of course it’s my fault. If I wouldn’t have been in the back seat, she would have been looking at the road. If she would have been looking at the road, she could have stopped & seen the speeder before he rammed into her.  

My fault. Mine.  

Of course my father didn’t take it well. He blamed me too. That night he left me & Alice, who wasn’t even 1 at the time, & had my grandmother come over to care for us.  

He was gone for a week. When he came back, bags overtook his usual loving eyes. Anger filled his face as alcohol forever lingered on his breath. He walked hunched over now. He was changed, & my original father wasn’t soon coming back.  

After then is when I stopped talking to people. I didn’t trust anyone. Everyone I’d trusted before left. My mom. My dad. As I got older, maybe 13, people stopped caring totally. No one bothered to talk to me because they knew I wouldn’t give a sufficient answer. Everyone forgot & moved on.  

Alice & I practically raised ourselves. I saved money to buy her Christmas & Birthday presents so she would be happy. I felt like a father at the age of 15. I just went through the daily motions without a second thought.   I didn’t care. There was no purpose for me. & there still isn’t today.   If I weren’t going to the girl of my dream’s house on Saturday, I wouldn’t be here.  

Lily walks into class looking shaken. I start to wonder why. Eventually I come up with nothing. Her life is pretty picture perfect to be honest.  

In the computer lab, the pit in my throat gets bigger & bigger. When she tells me to bring up Powerpoint, I type in our topic with waterfalls threatening to fall from my eyes. The sounds the keys made under my fingers are thunder & the electronic letters are lightning.  

The day ends with only two things on the Powerpoint: the definition of depression & the percent of teens who have depression. We get up to leave & I hear her voice behind me as I desperately try to get out quick.  

“Ashton,” she calls. God fucking dammit. The way she says my name. The fact that she actually knows my name. I stop in my tracks & turned around to her.  

“So 1:30, my house Saturday?” Lily asks, tilting her head to the side. My heart thumps so loudly in my chest I'm sure she can hear it. I collect myself enough to agree & tell her I’d see her then. She wishes me a good Friday night & leaves.  

I sigh. Like I'm going to do anything tonight.  

I go to bed with extreme anxiety about tomorrow. I try to imagine working on the project with her. The project only.  

Pretty girls don’t like broken boys anyways.