Deeper (5SOS Ashton Irwin Fanfic)

Chapter 7

Lily’s POV:  

I sneak my mom’s laptop for Ashton to work on. We decide that I’ll do the research & he’ll type what I say. Figuring we’ll have to finish this project sooner of later, we dive right in.  

It goes good for a while, his fingertips lightly hitting the keyboard rhythmically, me telling him what to type. We get the research half done in no time. Now it’s time for the pictures.  

“If you can, could you please look up pictures?” I almost squeak. He nods slightly & goes to Google. But, he doesn’t type. He just stares blankly at the screen, his eyes darting all around. Finally, he puts his head down & runs a fidgety hand through his curls & he looks me dead in the eyes.  

“Wh - what should I even type in for this?” he says, his voice breaking at the end.  

This is a whole new side to Ashton I’ve never seen.  

His eyes glow, obviously on the verge of overflowing with tears. His body shakes lightly as do his fingers, which hover over the keyboard desperately. I feel tears of my own threatening to fall as I think back to Maya. The most beautiful girl had the most ugly secret. She never felt good enough & so took it out on herself. It makes my stomach turn to think about people blaming themselves for things that others thought or said about them. The research taught me that so many more people did it than we thought did, & all of these thoughts overwhelm me as I feel one stray tear fall. My throat is closed shut, dry as a fall leaf.  

He doesn't hesitate. He scoots quickly from his spot across from me over to my side & sits against my headboard with me. Placing the laptop down, he takes my face in his hands & turns my head so I'm forced to look in his eyes. Ashton jaw is tight, fighting back the urge to cry himself I’m guessing. The pad of his thumb wipes lightly across my cheek, ridding of the one tear. & before I know it more come with it, & he gets rid of them the same way. His touch is soft, yet electrifies my skin like fire.  

It starts as one tear, then two, then ten, & then turns into a full on sob. I don’t know why I’m sobbing, I just am. Maybe for all those who have taken a blade to the skin of their wrists, thighs or anywhere else. For Maya Shay. For all the tens of thousands of kids my age & even younger who don’t feel good enough.   

Yet he doesn’t even blink an eye before he puts his arm around my shivering shoulders & brings me to him. My face is buried in his jacket, makeup smearing over it I’m sure. Ashton doesn’t seem to mind though as he rocks me back & forth, shushing me with his soft tone. I ball his jacket around my fists & heave my lungs.   

He probably thinks I’m crazy. So, for the first time ever, I tell someone about my experience at Maya’s.   He listens. He soothes. He understands. He doesn’t interrupt me with questions. He lets me speak. He lets me cry more. He lets me do what I should have done so long ago: open up.  

Once my episode is done, I sit up from his chest to find Ashton’s cheeks red & his eyes bloodshot. He was crying too? Over me? I sniffle once more & wipe my runny nose before I shoot him a confused look. He simply shrugs, & keeps his left arm firmly wrapped around my shoulders.   “

W- Why are you crying?” I manage, looking up into his eyes again. His face goes cold again. He looks at the door behind me with a look in his eyes that tells me he’s debating whether to tell me. After what seems like forever, he looks back down at me slowly.  

“Reasons.”  

Ashton POV:  

So here I am, with Lily Harlamert crying into my shirt, trying to decide if I should tell her. Would she understand? Would she judge me? Would she turn away?  

When she sits up, I know I’m running out of time before she’ll see my red puffy eyes. While she cried into me, I cried simply because she was crying. Lily is so perfect, she should never have to worry about anything. I also cried because I realized that people do care. People do want to get people like this help. People are there. The world isn’t a cruel place like I always thought it was. In that moment, with her tears & smeared makeup staining one of my favorite articles of clothing, I had an epiphany.   

This world is full of people I can trust.  

Why else would she be so upset if she didn’t care?  

When she finally asks, I decide its too early to open up. No one knows besides myself what goes on behind closed doors. Not even Alice I don’t think. So I just tell her,  

“Reasons.”  

She gives me an odd look, like she’s hurt. She backs away a little bit & pouts lightly.  

“What kind of reasons?”  

“Reasons.”  

“Ashton I just poured my heart to you & all you give me is ‘Reasons.’?” She backs away more, definitely looking upset this time. Shit.  

My brain is telling me she’ll back away & never want anything to do with me ever again if I tell her. She could never love a destroying beast like myself. But, deep, deep down in my heart, I know somehow, Lily will look past.  

My hands tremble as they slide through my hair in distress. Once I have somewhat of an idea as to what I’m going to say, I begin my speech to her. First time in my entire life I’ve told.  

“Lily, look. I - I’m quiet you know? When I was young, on my tenth birthday, my mom was driving with me in the backseat. She was leaning back & telling me about a surprise she had for me back home. Her eyes weren’t on the road when a speeder hit her at 80 miles an hour & killed her.” I start. She has scooted a bit closer to me, concern on her face. I sigh deeply & continue.  

"All my dad did was - was blame me. & I still blame myself. Lily, do you want to know the reason I dread this topic as much as you do?” I practically whisper to her. Our knees are touching now, her hands with a firm grip on the bracelets on my wrists. Deer-like eyes bearing into me as she nods hesitantly.  

My heart pounds almost out of my chest as sweat trickles down the back of my neck. I can feel my bottom lip quiver as I ball my hands into fists & look down at my jeans. After a while, I tell myself 'Its time'.  

“Because I do it to myself…"