My Own Personal Superhero

Chap. 3: Terrified

It really isn't as easy as everyone makes it out to be. Especially for someone like me. Someone with extreme anxiety. And it truly never goes away but you learn how to cope with it.
This is the struggle I deal with every single day. Whether it be regarding school, work, Kyle and I. It gets tough. I worry about everything 400x more than the normal human being. I double check everything, I'm always 20 minutes early, I do everything in my power to make Kyle happy and others around me. Any bad situation or scenario goes through my head more times than they should and I try to find every possible solution to them like damage control.

But I know its truly not that simple. It will never be. I know I can't avoid the unknown. But sometimes these fears take over and make me physically and emotionally sick. Probably because the worse has happened to me. I've been treated like shit, I'm immune to being used. I know how it feels to be left in the dark for a prettier, skinnier, more plastic, less emotional girl. And it hurts like a fucking knife. I had a guy in my bed who didn't give a flying fuck about me or what I felt about him for months. And I regret everything. I regret the hours I put in for that low life because he didn't deserve half the affection I gave him.

Now it's different. I have Kyle. But those thoughts of abandonment still run through my mind but it isn't Kyle's fault. It's my past that still haunts me and restricts me from some actions and feelings that I wish I could express to him. It's just too much at times for me to ever really open up. The time will come when it all flows out, and it's honestly funny. Yeah I know what you're thinking, there's more?!.... yes... There's a lot more that I wish I could say to Kyle. But what I've been through has kept me on the safer side. What I had happen to me destroyed those fairytales I used to read, those comic books where the superhero gets the damsel in distress, it all seemed so stupid and silly and unrealistic to me. Kyle has restored most of that hope but if I let my walls completely down for Kyle, which I really wish I could... He would have to promise he would never hurt me. Which I know he can never truly promise because he doesn't know who hes gonna meet or what he's gonna want in the future. Maybe it won't be me. So how can I drop my walls down? It is physically not possible for me to because giving myself to a person seems so scary now. And that's the truth. The truth is really the anxiety I feel with Kyle may never go away because sometimes maybe my self conscious will be right. I hope to fucking god it won't be but I can't drop the feelings of fear and worry when we're not together/ he's out without me because if I do that's me completely defenseless. The castle walls would be broken down. But I trust Kyle and thats the shitty part. I want to give myself to him. Completely. Ive fallen in love with him but if we aren't on the exact same pages of the story book, I definitely can't just let myself go like I have in the past. No one ever should. Unless they're 500% sure everything will be okay. But will it? I don't know only the future knows.
For example:
He might be on page 56 of our relationship and I'm already at page 90. If that makes any true sense. And it isn't fair to either of us. I don't want Kyle to rush his feelings and skip some chapters, and I don't want to wait forever on the same page that might collect dust and turn yellow.
All we can do is pace ourselves within OUR limits and meet eachother in the middle. Instead of rushing what we have or waiting forever... maybe it behooves us to slow down the reading and cherish the moment. We don't need to rush anything but he needs to know I can't wait forever to be on the same level or page. I can't regress though. It isnt in my blood or physically possible to take away what I feel for him. But I know if I wait and wait who knows if the milestones will ever come. And that is a raw way of thinking but its true. And I hope he knows ill fight for us. I'll fight those bad thoughts but I can't do this alone. I can't be fighting a battle that doesn't want to be won.

In terms of what I see, I don't know if this is true but what I see in Kyle is a lot more than I've seen in anyone. I love him I really do. And I don't say that word lightly. I never have. I've only said it to one other person and truly meant it. Sure it fucked me in the end but it shows you how the levels of relationships can destroy you. For example you thought he or she loved you but then they got up and left for an unexplainable reason.
No. I could never do that to Kyle. Or anyone but especially Kyle. I already fought so many battles within myself and to others to prove we could work and we are working. And I never wanna let him go. But progress must happen I can't be stuck in the same state forever. I know it'll be different in a few months when secrets become reality but I don't want to base our relationship off of what others like what my parents think.

We can progress without them knowing I know we can ... how? Not sure yet. I'm just going with the flow of things.

I also want to know if something I noticed is true but I don't want to assume it.

Kyle has a past, as we all do.
But was his past too much to handle and is that why he isn't as romantic as every guy out there? Is that why support feels a little limited? That he gave his all to _____ and it damaged him more than benefitted him? That he's been through too much to fully give himself (as I feel in a way) again? To put his time in again... as he could be too tired of what it deals with in a realtionship? Its something I think about every day. My writing has let me open up so honestly and real. And it helps. But that's something I always wondered.

I know that is so raw to say. I know it is. But it's something that I need to know
For my anxiety's sake. So I know that maybe he isn't that into everything I've done and the words I say because he's been through it all already. And its so detrimental I know that.