Gone

I want her back.

I know I've said the same thing over and over but it can't stop repeating in my head.

Because I know she's gone.

She's not coming back.

No one comes back from death and I know that.

I just wish it wasn't true.

All the nights after the funeral I spent curled up in bed wide awake with tear stained cheeks.

Thinking of her.

Wishing I could see her one last time.

I just want a chance to say goodbye.

To hug her and imprint the feeling of her onto my arms.

To replace the childish innocence I soon lost through adolescence.

When I was oblivious and happy.

When we used to lay out together or play games like pirates and adventure
And laugh.

Oh how I miss laughing like I used too.

Chuckling till tears of joy would brim my eyes and I would clutch my gut in pain but still couldn't stop.

But that's gone as well.

And like her, it's not coming back.

I miss myself as well.

I'm still alive but sometimes I wonder if maybe it's possible to be dead and alive at the same time.

Sure I'm breathing but I barely feel anything.

Joy, happiness, anger, no matter how hard I try they don't come.

I feel empty.

No emotions.

No fear.

I get sad or happy for a moment then it passes and I'm back to being numb.

I used to feel so much.

Everything changed once you left.

And now you're gone.