Seven Minutes

Do you ever feel like you are drowning? Like time is slipping through an hourglass? I did or at least have. I have always felt like I am tumbling. Like we are all on a train, heading to our separate stations. As my train stops, I get out to walk in my own station as the people on my train which I have left, head to their own stations. In my station there are a few people walking as ghost, while some alive but on the verge of dying. For some reason I felt like I belonged here. The thing is that I might appear alive, but my story doesn't end so well or shall I say as planned. It seems as if time is lost here, as if it is lost in the mist of all this sorrow, like the clock stopped creating the noise it once made - frozen like ice.

Minute one. As I ran from this block to the next with a heart trying to escape its own cage, but I try not to let it get in my way. One second I am standing, my soft pale hands planted on my bare knees. Inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply, but I fail on my task and soon my vision is filled with the shade of black. I fall, leaving this world for a while.

Minute two. As tears escape my pale blue eyes, I let it all out in the bathroom. This is the only place I am not monitored by monsters, and I do not feel like a victim to the thorn which belongs to my beautiful rose. The bathroom has tiles colored blue, these walls have bared with me for a long time – seen all my tears and heard all the reasons. As I sit on the cold floor with a flickering bathroom light, and with me in one hand I hold a soon to be dried sharpie. The other hand is covered with phrases of inspiration, 'you can do this' 'you are brave' 'you can beat it' 'this shall pass'. I close my teary eyes, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. I close my eyes with hope that these words will work its magic.

Minute three. As my lifeless body lays on the hospital bed, while the owners of it are trying to bring energy back into my body through chemotherapy. Unknowing are these owners, but I promise I am going to beat it with all the power I contain. The truth is that there is always hope, always a door with light pouring out of it. Chemotherapy is taking another roll on my body, unaware it is of all the pain and sacrifices it makes one go through. I grip truly hard to the covers of the bed as I lay on it, at the same time I am trying to converse with my husband and my children; Ally, Kent, Edward and Rachel. Opening my mouth to speak to ones who brought the beauty in my rose, but I fail at my task by not remembering what to say or what I should say.

Minute four. Unable to move accurately and get what I need, I point at things. Every moment I would try to do something for myself, it would end up in a mess. Staring off in space I try to comprehend to the terms of my life, once again. As I keep staring at the blank, white wall, I come to realize things which I never had. I come to realize things which I wish I had earlier, but now as I do, the color of the wall changes entirely. I guess some lessons hit home while others fail there mission. As I stare at the now colored wall I begin to reminisce about the time when I was well and how me and my husband would just lie on the roof and stare at the night sky. We would talk endlessly, with our hands intertwined as we try to name the constellations. I never thought I would ever feel as if I took it for granted, I wish I savored every moment I spent with my family and even then I wish I could spend all my days with them and only them.

Minute five. Wearing a light gray beanie, leather jacket, skinny black jeans and a black plaid shirt; I and my family walk around the city. They have all been so caring and supportive of everything that the last day with them before I leave for the hospital I decided to go out one last time. My youngest daughter, Ally came up to me with her soft young features wearing the silver ring I and my husband gave her for her sixth birthday which she adored. She came up to me "Mommy! Why are you here?" angry laced her words whilst her smile betrayed them.

Minute six. I sat on the dark brown chair, alone. I ran this morning and fainted, so as the doctors tried to cure me they took my blood to check for any allergies or diseases they should be aware of. Which leads me here, sitting on a chair while the doctor is sitting down across from me. Her long blond hair tied back in a ponytail, no makeup on only a shadow underneath her dark blue eyes, wearing her white coat with a short dark blue dress. On the other hand, I am wearing my running outfit, my hair in a bun and my eyes are pale blue like the sky. "Meredith Joshua, how are you?" The doctor asked with a smile which deceived the words which she spoke next. "Good, but why don't you tell me Dr.Grey" I commanded her to spill the dirt on my blood with a smile which faded too soon. "Alright I will just cut to the chase, we got your results back from the laboratory which informed us that you have breast cancer"

Minute seven. I have just been informed through the doctors that my time fighting is over, because everything I tried has failed. My cancer is too strong. My entire family is here watching me take my last breaths, listening to my weak heart beats. As I stare at all of them for the last time I begin to wonder there feature without me – their mother. I will not be there to watch them grow up, get a job, see their kids and so much more. My life on this earth is over. The place I stood in everyone's lives are over. My time fighting and living is over. I am living my last moments, remembering the times I lived my first moments. My children gather around me whilst my husband stands at the end of the hospital bed, "Mom do not worry, I will take care of all of them and dad." The eldest, Rachel said with tears rolling down her red stained cheeks. "I am sorry mommy for being horrible to you, now I understand" said the two youngest, Ally and Kent with tears rolling down their cheeks uncontrollably. It was not Kent who brought a bit pain to me, but he never stayed around me for some reason. "I love you and I promise you will be proud of us one day" Said the second eldest, Edward with strength which was grassed through his tears which appeared with a sad smile. "You might –". My heart stopped beating mid-sentence.

You might think that I have lost, but the truth is – I won. I gained through pain and one thing that has changed is my perspective. I have got a nice and carrying husband along with great children, what else does one need? The thing that I have learned is that family is important and none of us are weak until we believe, which is the point where we stop doing our best. Time is like a sandglass just waiting to finish on one end, and the fact that this life gives us enough time for us to make mistakes, learn our lesson, realize them, and heal them. Life consist of little and big things, because they are the things that shape you or your perspective. But we should not waste time on things that do not matter or hold grudges on people, but rather remove them. The truth is that time never goes in reverse, but only forward so we should make the most of what we have rather than throwing it all to waste. We need to make the most of each hour, minute, second and so on.

As I walk through the beautiful light that brought me warmth and happiness; I turned around taking one last glimpse of my family before I go into the warm light. They all are mourning over me through tears whilst my poor husband is trying to keep everyone intact. I wish there was a way I could apologize and say thank you to all of them, but mainly to my husband who is trying to keep his composure. Hopelessly I turn around, my back to them and I begin to walk into the light.