Me not being able to love myself may sound bad, but I can promise you it's not. Never learning to love myself made me appreciate the "small" things in life. It opened my eyes in more ways than you can imagine, me never being able to love myself made me love everyone around me.
I'm not preaching self hate, that's far from my point. Loving yourself is important, there's nothing wrong with self love. I, unfortunately, never have been able to feel love towards myself, I always just found another reason to hate myself. Hating myself brought me closer to all of you.
Everything I saw as a flaw in myself, I saw as perfection in someone else. In my head, all of my friends are perfection, flaws cannot exist with them. I think I only see it this way because I don't want people to feel the way I have, I want my friends to think of themselves as perfect, even if not everyone sees it.
This year, I learned to appreciate the "small" things, quotations around small because, well, to me they aren't so small. I appreciate the people who will stop to tell me good morning, I appreciate the people who ask me if I'm okay when they can see through the fake smile, I appreciate the people who come into my life, the people who allow me into their lives.
Five days out of the week, I get to spend fifteen to twenty minutes surrounded by these people who mean so much to me. I just get to sit there and listen to their complaints, love life, home life, work, siblings, friendships, plans, interests, etc. I know that seems weird, but I'm always so excited to hear what they have to say each morning, I feel trusted in a way. I remember when this one girl started coming to our table and I had no idea who she was, but I instantly loved her. I thought she was gorgeous, the more I talked to her the more I liked her, she so easily allowed me into her life and I'm so thankful for her. I became reconnected with an old friend of mine, I look forward to her stories every morning.
My lunch table never fails to make me smile. My once best friend, who then turned to an enemy, and is once again a close friend, is finally back in my life. Our table is always full of laughter, oh my god, it feels so good to have laughter back. I never realized how much I missed her until she hated me, to finally have that hatred gone, it's like a weight lifted off my chest.
My boyfriend, he's my whole life at this point. I think he's the reason I've learned to appreciate everything. I never knew there could be a person as caring and loving as him. He opened my eyes, he made me believe that I'm not impossible to love. There's so much I can say about him, but there's no words to describe what he makes me feel. Whether I see him for 10 minutes or 10 hours, it always brightens my day. We never let a fight come in between us, and hopefully it will stay that way. Another thing he did for me is bring me closer to an old friend. This certain friend has been there for me countless times and I really hope there comes a day I can help him as much as he's helped me. He always makes sure pat gets to my house safe, which means I get to see him as well, and just reconnecting with old friends changes my mood completely.
I have these two very important friends in my life who, unfortunately, despise each other, but neither of them hold that against me. I greatly appreciate them both and would do anything for either of them. They've helped me countless times through my roughest patches and I love them.
Lastly, my sister. I can't say much here other than thank you. My sister is so much more than just a sister, she's my best friend, the reason I'm still here. She's been through hell and back with me and I love her. Jess, thank you for never failing me, thank you for being my best friend.
Dear friends,
Thank you for being in my life. I love you.
