First love

No matter how hard I tried or how much I complimented her to try and make her happy or to smile, she never gave in to become mine. For about a year I tried, I may have dated other people but I never ditched the feelings I had for her. I don’t know what made me fall for her; maybe it was her breathtaking smile or her dazzling gold flaked green/grey eyes, but I definitely fell hard for her. She was quite a bit taller than me but I didn’t care, I loved everything about her and wanted all of her to be mine.There were times when I doubted that she could ever like me and that my ex would be a better match for her, even though she had cheated on me and didn’t treat me well. One night I decided to try and subside the feelings I had for her.

I don’t know why but the first thing that came to mind was to convince my ex to ask her out. I told her how amazing they would be as a couple and told her she had to do it. That was one of the worst mistakes of my life. She was now convinced that they would be perfect together and I guess she had asked her out. With minuets of thinking I knew my life would turn to hell after I remembered that I would be going to summer camp with her soon.

So summer camp came and throughout the whole time I could barely look at her, yet I longed to be right beside her. I wanted to be her tent mate and I wanted to spend the whole day with her. That never happened. The only time I actually got to spend with her was on the last day. We were walking down one of the dirt roads talking amongst ourselves.

“None of these guys are even worth looking at.” She says after a moment of silence, we both laugh a little and continue walking.

“Yeah but aren’t you with Ayla?” I asked already knowing the answer.

“Nope, I told her I would have to think about it.” As soon as she said that I regretted distancing myself from her the whole time and was instantly happier. I should have asked her in the first place, and then I wouldn’t have been in all the pain I was in knowing I lost to my jerk of an ex. Nothing was said after that because we had both looked up seeing that it was about to rain. The astonishing smell of rain filled the air causing us both to smile.

As the rain started to come down I couldn’t help but to notice that she looked cold. Without thinking I took off my jacket and had her wear it. It was small on her but at least it was something. I would rather her be warm instead of me. We kept walking, and smiling, until we got to the deck that partially stretched out over the lake. Going to the top we sat down and just listened to the rain, enjoying every minute of it. I couldn’t help to think about how amazing it would be to kiss her in the rain, but I knew that would never happen.  As we sit there I glance at her several times seeing what seemed to be her blushing, but I was probably wrong. It took a lot to not stare at her the whole time.

The rain stopped so we decided to head to our friend’s tent to hang out before curfew. We had a blast but knew it had to come to a stop when curfew was within five minutes. Being as kind as I am, I walked her to her tent since I was the only one with a flashlight. It took her a while to get her things situated in her tent, so she had asked me to stay with my light as help. I didn’t mind helping as long as I got to tell her goodnight and sweet dreams before we departed.  That was one of the best nights of my life, if only I had the guts to ask her out in person.

Not long after camp had ended she had texted me and told me that she decided to  get with my ex. The only reason she felt obliged to tell me was because I had confessed my feelings to her, well not completely. She felt it would only be right if she was the one to tell me that she got with her.

Months had passed and I still tried to make her happy even if she wasn’t mine. I even think there was a time that I had told her that I wanted her to be happy no matter what, how cheesy.  By the end of the summer my ex had broken it off with her, making me want to rip her guts out. That was the one thing I would have never done is hurt her. She told me many times that it was okay but I could tell she was in a lot of pain.  I think she had finally moved on after a few months of going back to school. She would tell me how she wanted to find someone to be with and about the guy she liked. It might have hurt me but I was glad that she was able to move on. Sadly she had no luck in the dating business when the Mil Ball was only a month away.

 Many times I had given up but tonight I was finally going to take a real swing at her. The ball was still a while away, but if I didn’t ask her to it soon she would be swept away by someone much better than me.  We had been texting each other for quite a while when suddenly the conversation turned quite serious.

            ‘So are you taking anyone to the ball?’

            ‘Yeah I promised Angel I would take her, but I kind of want to take an actual date you know?’

            ‘Yeah that would be kind of cool.’  I can’t say anything but that, it feels like a piece of my heart broke off when I read it. I wanted to take her so badly to give me the chance to progress with my feelings.

            ‘But I don’t like anybody anyways so I guess I can’t help the situation.’

            ‘Oh…’  That did it; my heart has completely shattered… I guess that was her way of telling me to back off and I had no chance. I try to wipe the tears falling from my eyes, but they just keep coming.

            ‘So are you taking anybody?’

            ‘Nope not yet’ I have to compose myself so that she won’t suspect anything…

            ‘Aw, you’ll find somebody to take =]’

            ‘Maybe… Hey I’m tired I’m going to bed.’

            ‘Okay sleep well =]’

            I hide my face in my hands trying not to let my crying wake my sleeping friend. It was so frequent that I would talk to my best friend Sam about her. I felt bad for always ranting on but she was like the only person on my mind. Later that day we were walking in a field at our school and I had confessed to her that I had a small crush on somebody else. She gave me a look urging me to continue. I told her that I liked our friend Brandy. The both of us didn’t know if she was even bi, but I couldn’t help the small butterflies that she started to cause me. My feelings for her weren’t anything close to my feelings for Megan. Without thinking through my decisions I grabbed my phone and daringly texted Brandy.

            ‘Hey are you wanting to go to Mil Ball this year?’

            ‘I would have wanted to but I have no one to take me.’

            ‘Want to go with me?’

            ‘Yeah that would be awesome.’

            From then on the next couple of days we had deep conversations about how we would treat someone we were dating. Somehow it turned out to be about how we feel about each other and how we would treat each other like gold.

            ‘Hey do you want to go to the movies with me tomorrow sometime?’

            ‘Uh.. I’ll have to ask my mom.’

            ‘Okay just let me know.’

            ‘Wow she actually said yes, it would have to be after church though…’

            ‘That’s okay, we can pick you up around two.’

            ‘Sounds good to me (:’

            ‘Hey so I have a question.’

            ‘Shoot.’

            ‘Are we dating or what? I’m kind of confused about it all.’

            ‘I was about to ask you the same thing…’

            ‘Okay so do you want to be my girl?’

            ‘I’d love to (:’

            That moment I thought I couldn’t be any happier, I knew at an instant that I would fall in love with her. We had been friends since the end of 8th grade and I had always tended to have the deepest conversations with her about depression. Now I could tell that we would have many more but instead they would be loving, joyful conversations. That night I had fallen to sleep peacefully knowing that I would see my new girlfriend tomorrow.