Crying as I write these words, I'll let it all out.
My name, I'm not sure
I don't like the one I have, not the name itself it's the stuff that comes along with it.
People around me may describe me as happy, exuberant, out going, all that other stuff... Lemme tell you this,
ITS ... ALL ... FAKE
I honestly feel like I'm the worst so I always act like I'm the best hoping it'll catch up to me. People think I have high self esteem, yeah right I take everything to the heart. I mask my pain with a smile. I want to be like you, Popular, Pretty, Funny, Easily Liked. No, it's always my fault.
My Parents are always fighting, My sister beats me up, I don't even know my friends anymore, FML.
My dad left me for two years for christ's sake, he didn't return any calls we didn't even know where in the hell he was. I thought he was dead. One day in sixth grade we drove through my dads neighbor hood to go to our friends birthday party. The light was on I'm my dad's window and people were walking on the inside, I was torn. That next day at school I couldn't focus on anything and I just cried all lunch. he promised he would call when he got back..
I'm suicidal at times, I've cut...often actually, but if people see it they'll think I'm an attention whore or they won't even care.
I cut today actually, why? I have reasons...the people I sit with at lunch chose someone over me today even when they don't have all the information. She's always favorited, everywhere!!! Hell, she's pretty, adorable, smart, nice, everyone loves her. I wish...ugh if only...if only.
I don't know who to trust these days either. people like telling people things they have no business telling. Ugh I hate it.
I'm glad I have school off. I don't have to deal with none of this mess. But all good things come to an end...
Try being a middle child, it sucks! all the attention, love, and affection goes to the upper and the lower...never me.
When I was in elementary school I was bullied... For everything, the sink could've leaked - my fault, the crayons got spilled - my fault, Jessica forgot her homework - my fault. I was always the target...even for the new kids who fed of the false information and knew nothing about me.
I suffered from a sever case of ADHD and I still do, I don't like taking the meds but I have too that's the only way I can be perceived as normal. That's mainly why I was bullied, I never took things seriously. But try having trash thrown at you everyday, try being locked in a trailer at lunch time alone, try missing the bus in the rain and having to walk to school because your mom wasn't there, and maybe you'll gain a bit of seriousness.
If you are reading this and you had a false image of me...its ok, I don't blame you. Go ahead make fun of me, blame stuff on me, heck yell at me for all I care. Just know it'll all build up and if your missing a target tomorrow, be the arrow you always were and shoot at someone else. Have Fun. I won't be there to take it.
And if you take that wrong, try asking the person who actually wrote it, not anyone else.
These are the reasons why I am who I am today. These are the reasons why I'm trying to change.
