My mask: Dealing with death

“Behind every moment there are lots of small ones”. I have started with this quote because I had a lot of small moment’s bad, and good that created and developed me into becoming this person I am now. One of my worst moments I had experienced was death upon others, or even family members. Those moments created an illusion in my head that death is bad and scary and as I got older I still continued to believe it. The situation became worse when it happened to someone close to me that I loved dearly and believed that my life could not go on without her. It happened on a late Monday night I felt weak as my head started spinning from the horrible news. When it comes to death I put up a wall, and wear a mask so no one could see my pain and know how much I am suffering. I avoid expressing my feelings, because I hate the feeling of knowing that this is not the last time death will come upon somebody else that I love. I soon realize that keeping my emotions inside was bad for my health; as my chests starts to tighten when I balled up in pain. I did not care I rather take the easy way out like a coward to avoid hearing “I’m sorry for your lost”. When people are really not, some just put up a mask, and pretend to care when they are just glad that it is not happening to them. While I was going through this experience I was just wondering who's next and why did this have to happen. Thinking like that causes me to push people away and become distant and violent. The realization came to me once I noticed I was not being affected by death as I should be. Once I hear about death I shut down and continue with my day as if nothing ever happened; but every time Isee a body that wall starts to come down slowly as I start to break down and ask why this had to happen to me. The experience made me hate life and question God for the mistake I believed he had made. I believed that god only take people away only if they are not taking life seriously and as a joke or do bad things. Not people who love to be around family, loved life every day, and worked hard to succeed. Thinking like that blinded me so bad that I have forgotten how serious her conditions were and how much I hated to sit there while she tries to breathe, coughing in pain, and suffering from hypertension. Now I know it might have been good that God has put her to rest at least I know she is not suffering any more I was just too selfish and hurt to think that. I just wanted my mommy back to be there again and watch me grow up to be the woman she taught and partially raised me to be with my mom she is the best loving grandma I ever met. Till this day her death still has an effect on me even if it has been 5 years and 3 months ago it still feels as if it happened yesterday. I go through my day just by saying to myself at least she isn't suffering any more. This experience made me into a stronger person I had ever been before. It made me work harder to accomplish goals that I promise I will fulfill. Now I have to finish high school and go to college just as she would want me to do. I have also learned to care about other feelings around me and that sometimes putting my feelings aside won’t push people away. doing this and communicating with each other help people have a better understanding and help each other through these times instead of keeping it in. but sometimes Talking does not solve all problems, but without talk we are even more limited to helping each other.

Dealing with death gave me a different view on life; it showed me that sometimes death brings family closer, and how much someone meant to you. Death also showed me that you should spend as much time as possible with your love ones because you never know when it is their or your time to go. As I go through life I try to impact other people’s lives and fill them with memories and good moments so that the good moments can always overcome any bad moments. During these times when death comes around you do not have to sit around and mourn. During life you should always celebrate the passing of others’ lives because of all the joy, and, special moments that you've created together is all you need.