Hey, welcome to my imagination. All of the things I tend to think about on a daily basis. My interpretations on everything around me. All of the things I make up and believe and a lot of the conversations I have in my head. My name is Lillian. Everybody calls me Lilly, though. I like it. It's pretty cute. Things I like... I like cute people, Never Shout Never, roses, loud music, I'm somewhat creative... by that I mean I can draw squiggly lines and trees... that's pretty much it. I'm addicted to Tumblr, I love food, even though I don't usually eat lunch, I like saying random things, I like to think I'm smart, even when I know I'm most definitley not... I still believe in unicorns, well I know they're not real... I just want to hold onto my childhood a bit longer. I believe in ghosts/spirits/phantoms, whatever you want to call them. I've seen a couple, not very many, but still. I have only a couple of friends, around four. I made a friend on Kik and he's cute and I have the biggest crush on him. He's 15 also. And so fucking cute. I'm American. I live in New York. My favorite color is blue, I have two dogs, six ducks, two cats, and five fish. I live with my mother, my mom's boyfriend who cheated on her a couple of years ago, and that pissed me off because my mom is still with him, and she did nothing to deserve to be cheated on. He threatens to put our head through a wall one of these days, and I won't be surprised if he does it. He gets all up in your face and he has really bad breath, too. And he's just really scary, and being as tall as he is it just adds to the effect. My sister has my additude, which is not a good thing, she has my step dad's violence... she's only 7. She actually scares me a lot of the time. I hate being near her because she, no lie, starts everything. She touches me and I tell her to not touch me, and she keeps on touching me. I hate it when people touch me without permission. I hate it when she doesn't listen, and it's horrible because we've been raised by a man who knows nothing, it seems like, but verbal abuse. And it's terrible! One time we were leaving Walmart and the light was red, and my sister (Megan) was crying that she was hungry or something like that, like she does all the time and she doesn't eat her food anyways, and he had stomped on the brakes and turned around and put his fist up in the air like he was about to punch her, but my mom stopped him and then the light turned green.
Yesterday was horrible. Today is horrible. This week is horrible. I hate it. I hate everything. I'm not gonna torture you with those details, though, so you are welcome.
One time, last week, actually... I was walking down some stairs with a friend, and this boy tried moving me out of the way, without saying excuse me or please move, or whatever. I told the not to touch me, and what the fuck does he fucking do?! He fucking kicks my god damn ankle! I snarled under my breath and said "touch me again, and I will snap your fucking neck." I didn't actually snap his neck or hit him or anything as much as I really fucking wanted to... I swear to god these fucking children are getting fucking worse and worse. It doesn't help with my fucking step dad thing either. He's such a dickface.
I cried so much last night. I wanted to do what I did last year, but I don't really want to leave any more scars on my wrists. I don't want to feel useless and worthless. I don't want to feel like the only safe haven I have is my room. What I want is to live in a happy family. Go to a good school. Maybe then I'd be able to hold a conversation, not feel like shit everyday. I'm so fucking sick and fucking tired of feeling like somebody cares when they don't. When someone you love says they'll listen, yet they don't reply because they "have homework". I mean, yea I fucking understand that you have fucking homework, I do, too, but I still talk to you. I want you to get everything done, but I want you to reply even more. I want you to laugh at all the stupid and random things I say. I just want to mean something to you. I want the same thing you want, maybe you want someone else because I'm not good enough. I'm never good enough. Not to my parents, not to you, not to the friends that I somehow still have, not to my family, and not to me. I know I'm a horrible person. I know other people have it worse than me. I know I shouldn't do what I do. I know I'm annoying, and I know I need to stop complaining, and there's so much more. I want you to ask questions about me, and how my day was. You're pretty much the only person that cares. But you don't. You don't at the same time. That's why I cried last night. You didn't say goodnight last night or the other night. You haven't been responding. I love him. I love him so much. I want him to know this, but I'm afraid that if I tell him every little thing about me, he'll run and hide, never speaking to me again. That's another thing I'm afraid of. I don't want to be all alone. You live in Ohio, I live in fucking New York. I hate it here. You can't stand your family and I can't stand mine. Other than my mother. I llove her and her alone. I love my pets, too don't get me wrong. I want him. I just want to hug him and love him forever.
Sorry that was confusing. That's how I was yesterday, today, last night, so on... Seriously though, ugh.
I love drawing. Squiggly lines and trees are my strong point. Everything else I draw sucks.
Someday, I'l leave the U.S and live a better life. I hope so. I want a family. A happy one. I want to be middle class. Not rich, but not poor. Want to be just right. Very cozy. I want four kids. Two girls and two boys. two of them have to be twins, a girl and a boy. I don't know what any of their names would be, yet. I'm only 15, so I have up until I'm 18-21 to have them...I don't want to be too old, but I don't want to be like everyone else at 16 popping out babies. They just appear. Like McDonald's. How come I've never seen a McDonald's under construction, but yet they just pop up out of nowhere? It's really... I don't know.
Sometimes I really want to be pushed down a flight of stairs and hit my head on every step.
I honestly can't stand people. I don't know how the hell I could when I was a kid. I mean, I do, but I don't at the same time. I hate this generation, too. Like, get your heads out of your phones and iPods and watch where the fuck you're going! Holy shit! Like, god. Stop looking at your damn phone and pay attention to your kid about to get hit by a damn car because he's playing in the streets again, and you're to absorbed in playing Flappy Bird to notice. It's horrible. Anyways....
I honestly hate my family. I say that I want to go home when I'm already there. I really don't think that that's a good thing. I've cried so much in the past two weeks. I've dyed my hair purple. Which has nothing to do with whatever it is I'm talking about, but whatever. I haven't been going to sleep until 1 to 2 in the morning. I'm making myself do that to prove that my mom shouldn't take my tablet away for absolutely no god damn reason. I haven't done anything bad... I mean my mom was talking about how I could get my grades up and shit, but still. I'm fucking passing and that's all that should matter. She wants me to have at least an 85 in all of my fucking classes. Not gonna happen, hun. I'll do things my way. I will learn at my own pace. You can't fucking tell me to be smart if I'm fucking not. Let it go, let it go... hahaha Frozen reference. Fucking Hans is a fucking dick face, like my god damn motherfucking step-dad. Literally. He fucked another mother while he was still with my mom. I think I talked about that before. Oh well.
Agh. I fucking hate school. I fucking hate my family, as I said. I fucking hate cute guys. They never talk to me. Well they do. If they need fucking homework. I wish I were needed. I wish someone actually cared if I beat myself. Literally, again. Or if I cut, which I don't really anymore... I hate how I'm always there for everyone I care about and they aren't there when I need a shoulder to cry on. It sucks so fucking much. But that's my fucking happy life! Says that sarcastically, if you couldn't tell.. Ugh. I'm so fucking bored. When I'm fucking bored I get really pissed. Except at school. That's where I'm depressed. I try to fucking hide it, but if you go on my Tumblr { itsfreezingnewyork }, then you'd know that I'm far from being all happy and excited. I can't wait until I get out of this Hell hole. This shitty little town. Away from my fucking stupid ass family. My fucking step-dad doesn't care about anyone, but himself. He's fucking stupid. I fucking hope he gets fucking burned. He's probably going to fucking Hell. No, actually he is going to fucking Hell, the son of a bitch. I'm gonna try to be fucking "good" from now on. just so I don't have to see his dumbass ever again. Okay enough about fucking him, though he'll most likely come up again sooner and later as well because I hate his ass so much.
I can't wait until I'm able to fucking drive. I'll drive all the time. Just so I'm not home. I'll fucking drive to fucking McDonald's or someplace with free wifi. Maybe I'll kill a man with a spoon. I don't know. I just might eat cheese... Why not? Nah... I just won't be home a lot. That's all.
