Little Girl Blue

A letter for death.

You know that feeling you get when someone breaks your heart? Or when you get rejected by the only person you've loved? That bittersweet feeling in your gut?

I get that feeling every time I think about you.

Lost in my mind, you don't know how crazy you are until you see yourself in the mirror after something tragic occurs. In a realizing moment, my eyes opened to the brief possibility that I killed you.

Unintentionally my words bit at you until you finally bit back, hard and painful.

And maybe you had a lot going on and everyone made you feel sick but in my mind, accidental means positive; Positive that I and only me, am to blame.

I hurt you and no amount of reassurance is going to change that. And I'm sure if my best friend hadn't passed along the message to your best friend than you might still be alive or maybe not...

Maybe you've had it planned for a long time, the place, the time, who gets to know why and who doesn't. Maybe you didn't think, before it all... but I did, I knew my words would hurt but they weren't aimed at you, and I know it's pointless to think that with a big apology and a few tears and regret that somewhere beyond the grave, you'll forgive me.

I don't expect a rainstorm of good luck to come my way, but I'm hoping the guilt I feel will disappear instead.

You don't know and will never know how much I wish I could change what I said or even stop myself from saying anything at all.

I try to forget about it and go on with my life because at the end of the day, you chose to kill yourself not me, I didn't do it for you.

But it's nagging regret that keeps bringing it all back because I've felt sadness and loneliness, as if I'm not worth a cent and what I said would have made me numb, I would have considered death as well.

It's pointless to imagine what life would be like if you hadn't killed yourself because I didn't know you when you were alive. You were just someone I knew of, someone I wanted to warn because I didn't want him to hurt you like he hurt me, and someone to be jealous of because you had someone to love and I didn't. You meant nothing to me but now you mean everything and I can't think anymore without thinking about you and that feeling, that feeling of bittersweet emptiness, only reminds me of you and what you could have been.

I am truly sorry and if I could take it all back, I would.

– Emily.