Princess - A Love Story

Chapter 18

Emily was disgusted with herself. She had become exactly what she promised herself she'd never be. Ornamentation on the arm of a rich man. How had she let things come to this? She had been living in a fog for the last six months and until this trip to Belgium, she hadn't even realized how shut off she had become. She did nothing but accompany Philip where it was critical she be there as the wife of the King in waiting. Other times she accompanied Grandmamma to occasions when she was bullied into it. But mostly she kept to herself. Of course, there were whispers about the new Princess and her duties, or lack thereof, but the cabinet, even as they had destroyed any chance of happiness, they had watched out for her and defended her when people said she did nothing. To the last man they felt guilty.

For weeks after that ugly scene, Emily had cried every night before she found some sort of peace. Marie had been her only confidant, holding her in the middle of the night as she fought to cry silently as if her heart wasn't breaking.

"Are you that upset still," Marie had asked in frustration one day. Frustrated that she couldn't seem to do anything to make her Princess feel better. That night had been the first time they had stepped out after their wedding. Philip had been meticulously polite throughout the evening. Correct to a fault, he had walked her to her door wished her goodnight and left her there. Emily felt her heart break all over again.

"His Highness was put in a tough spot Emily. He was taken aback and mind, while I agree he could have reacted faster, must you punish him so much?"

"I am not punishing him," Emily burst out, distraught by now. "He is punishing me, because somewhere he doesn't believe...." She trailed off. Even as she knew in her heart the reason for Philip's distance she found it difficult to explain in words. Marie misunderstood what she was going to say.

"That's not true Emily, of course believes you."

Emily shook her head and said no more. She couldn't make Marie understand. How could she? Philip guarded himself so closely, how could anyone guess that Philip didn't trust in that chance that she could love him. He had slowly been opening up to the possibility but now had closed himself off so tightly there was no chance of him getting hurt. In the weeks before the wedding everyday she waited for him to tell her she meant something to him. He touched her more, smiled more openly, hugged and kissed her but never said a word about what was in his heart. She understood, it would take time for him to tell her in words and it was fine with her. She knew it was there. But that one moment had destroyed everything. Why didn't say how she felt before? What she waiting for? She wasn't the type to wait for anyone. But she'd waited, and how she cursed her stupidity every day.

Then Aunty Malee died and the world seemed to crumble around her. The strain on Emily's emotions became too much for her and she responded by turning inwards and shutting herself off.

Philip would come sit with her every day. "How are you today?" he would ask every single time. He held himself so stiffly though. It was as if he wanted to be there yet didn't want to be there. And she would turn dull eyes on him and say, "Fine. Thank you." She realized now that Philip was looking for some reassurance from her but she was grieving so she doesn't know up from down. At her aloof politeness, Philip would stiffen even more feeling the implied rejection and leave. She ached for him to hold her and comfort her but when he left she felt abandoned by his implied rejection. And then she would cry herself to sleep. Till he finally stopped coming. Emily saw all this with blinding clarity now. What the hell had they done to each other?

She hurt to think about how much she'd lost. Right up until the wedding she had been in a fine rage. It carried her through the wedding as well. She expected to be angry with Philip for a long, long time yet as she walked towards him in church her heart gave a little flutter and she reassured herself that somehow they would find a way out of this. When Philip held her hand in his and escorted her out of church she felt more positive. But that night, after the reception was done he walked her stiffly to her rooms and wished her a polite goodnight with a finality that frightened her. Oh, they conversed in public but about meaningless things. In private, Marie and James did all the communicating that was required. And what was required was shockingly little considering they lived across the hall from each other.