If I never cared...

Storytime:

As sick as this may sound, I don't care about things anymore. More specifically myself and my life, or even more specifically my life continuing. I know you may think that my life would be better if I cared. However, looking back to when I cared, it's the opposite. You see, I know that what happened in my childhood that I'm about to tell you about, I cannot change. If could change myself however... I'd change my mindset. Not caring could've made things miraculously better...

From before I was born, until I was about 13 my dad was a drunk. The older I got, the worse he got. He was a mean, abusive, drunk. It used to scare the me into oblivion. Worst of all, I cared. I cared a lot back then. I cared about my mom, my life, and even him in a way. However maybe, if I hadn't cared, my life could have been better. I could have been better.

     The first scenario that not caring would have been beneficial in happened when I was 9. When I was 9, one Friday in November my dad came home utterly wasted. Him and my mom were fighting as usual... it was scarier, harsher than normal. I hear a drawer in the kitchen slam and run out to my parents. My dad is chasing my mom with a knife. I scream, attempting to stop him until he comes after me with the knife. Out of fear that he'll kill me, I run. He goes back after my mom and if it weren't for her grabbing a gun, she'd likely be dead. But what if I hadn't cared about my life? I could have saved my mom. I could be dead, yes, but I'm honestly okay with that. I welcome death. Being dead would have saved me a lot of future trouble.

     Overall though, not caring could have kept both me and my mother safe, I suppose both of us being safe sounds better huh? Though I knew what my dad did was wrong, my mom wanted it kept quiet. I knew that if I told my dad would likely be arrested, this idea destroyed my mom. I knew without my father me and my mom would lack money and support. Once again I was scared. I cared. What if I didn't care. If I didn't care about how upset my mom would get because I told a teacher or counselor about my drunken father. Or if I didn't care about how angry my dad would be and potentially hurt me. Or how me and my mother would keep ourselves upright without my dad's support. Could I have been saved years of childhood trauma?

If I learned not to care earlier, maybe I'd be happier. Maybe I would feel safer. Maybe I'd have a softer heart. If only I had learned to be cold than... I could be kind now...