A distorted Sequence #1

#1

I was reckless. I put my heart in your hands without consideration of the risks. I logically have the power to take it back whenever I want. Until I catch a glimpse of your blue eyes. It's not just the purity and kindness in your eyes that captivates me. It's the fact that when you look at me it's like you understand me, you see me and my heart. I'm understood and accepted. I get the feeling when our eyes connect that I am being drawn closer to you every second, until the gaze is broken. You smile at me and it's not just a mere exchange of grins, it's my heart that smiles back at you. Once you pull me into your arms...Its crazy how in your strong and caring arms every worry, every doubt and every fear I have is comforted. My fear or pain of the circumstances is allowed, it doesn't need to be supressed with my generic reply of "I'm good, it's all fine". It's as though it's okay to open up. Your arms are a shield around me. I am able to be vulnerable and not fear the exposure, because you have me.

I was okay protecting my heart and its desires from everyone. It worked for me. How could you bring them to the surface so easily? That's what's frightening, something that happens so fast must be fleeting?

I never even knew how on guard and fractured my heart was from love, until you pulled me in. Then all of a sudden, it didn't even matter. I could breathe, I could be present and you gave me that. I could trust you. You were my safe place to land, my heart's secret hide away. I didn't unlock the door for you to walk in. You had the key.

The second you let go, I am paralyzed and powerless again. All I can do is watch you juggle my heart and gasp for air every time you nearly drop it. Part of me wants it back, to put it back in its box under lock and key, but I know that one moment with you will cause me to hand it back over, like extra change. How do you do this to me? Do you even know that you do?

Maybe it's safer to keep this to myself. I understand our routine even if you're oblivious to it. I savour the moments that bring joy, excitement and love to my heart. So when I have to wait to see you again, when I have to wait to be by you again, I have something to hang on to. When I listen to the stories of you two, I have what feels like secrets to hold on to.

How can it be that one person can take down my walls of steel and hold me together, only to break what was once a secured heart the next? Now I realize it's because you don't see this, my heart his invisible to you. These moments are meaningful to me and nothing to you. You don't see it. I wonder how you couldn't. You don't mean anything by it, it just doesn't resonate with you. For all I know that's a blessing in disguise, a painful disguise but a blessing none the less. Maybe this would ruin everything?

Love... the best thing in the world? Or the most terrifying? Maybe it's both?

For now I need to remember...

It' not our secret, it's my secret.

So let the tears fall, let the smiles emerge and hide the unrequited love that I have feared for so long, yet latched on to so strong.