I'm a writer.... And I totally forget about that.... I've been sharing feelings a lot lately and I shouldn't do that because.... When I do it normally gets me hurt... Not physically hurt emotionally.... And I like writing to you because you don't judge nor are you mean and say that my feelings aren't justified because you don't care.... You're a sheet of paper lol... So I guess from now on all of my messed up feelings are going on a blank sheet of paper.... I guess Ill start from the beginning I met this guy his name is Brian but me and my best friend call him Debby because its a girls name and sometimes we like to talk about him and we don't want him to know so we use a girls name but yeah and I like him... I like him a lot lol. And he says he likes me but I don't believe him and I want to believe him but my heart doesn't believe him.... And as I said I like him a lot but I don't know what the heck is holding me back from being in a relationship with him.... Its like I'm at a cliff and I have two choices: (1) I can turn around and just keep walking or (2) I can just jump... Just leap off the cliff...... Now you're probably saying just leap Maitri nothing could go wrong but..... What if I'm leaping into a dangerous zone and I don't know it? Is this what getting into a new relationship is? What if when I leap he's not there to catch me and I fall flat on my face? I don't know what to do.... I think I'm just scared overall.... I don't think I ever really told him that I was scared...... I don't like sharing feelings a lot it makes me feel vulnerable and for the past a couple of days I did share feelings. I mean it was great for a while but then it just got me hurt in the end. But anyways that doesn't matter lol..... Second I think my best friends mad at me. I asked her if she wanted to go the park and have pizza and she said yes and then I said okie and I ordered the pizza and I was sooo hungry that I ate almost all of the pizza and when she was finally ready I said I don't wanna go anymore and she said okie fine leave me alone and so yup she's mad at me. Third I think I may like this new guy his name is Jean but I don't really wanna talk about it because he hurt me. But I cant be all butthurt for sharing feelings because its my fault that I did and now I feel fucking vulnerable and now I just want to run away and I don't even know if I'm exaggerating or not but I just know I wanna run away.... Every time I tell people feelings I feel like I'm annoying them on some level and that I shouldn't even feel sad or happy or whatever because they're people out there suffering too and that I don't have the right to be sad... I wish people understood that when a person shares how they feel.... Its important.... It takes a lot of courage to stand up and tell other people how they truly feel inside because some people are fucking broken inside and then some people are trying to be whole on the outside but are still not quite whole on the inside and I guess that's me and someway. How I'm whole on the outside but still not quite whole on the inside. I make these jokes and I seem happy and I seem all smiley but there's a lot of feelings that I have inside of me that I don't necessarily share because... I don't know.... And then people ask me Maitri why do you push many people away.... The closest answer I could come to was its a test..... I push people away to see if they would come back and... be with me or stick with me or whatever if that makes any sense.... When I tell people how I truly feel inside I feel like a freaking alien speaking a totally different language that no one understands and that no one gets.... It comes out like a totally different language even if I don't mean to and even when I try to speak the same language everyone else is speaking.... it doesn't work.... I sometimes wish I met a person that could speak the same language as me... Now you maybe thinking doesn't your best friend you know speak your foreign language? and the answer to that is no.. I don't tell her everything everything..... I don't tell her the emotional me I keep that me inside the only me she knows is school me... the happy me and I'm fine with that. I guessI'm tired of either trying to speak the same language as everyone else or trying to tell people what's going on inside and they aren't understanding... Because why listen when you don't understand? Its all my fault for sharing feelings that weren't supposed to be let out in the first place its totally my fault and I shouldn't have.... I just need something stronger around my heart.... Thank you for listening.
