🔵Freshman Year
I wake up. First day of school. It's my freshman year....of high school. Yeah.....I know! It's time for pimples and acne and a even more confusing word "lust"!
I walked through the doors of my school thinking of an adventurous day! Like the time I rode a bike down a steep hill for the first thinking I was gonna bust my ass and be humiliated for the rest of my life! No! I walked through those doors! And there! I saw a beautiful short brace faced girl. So many things went through my head!
No!!!!
You aren't supposed to look at girls like that! You aren't gay! You're supposed to have the guy of your dreams!
No!!
I LOOKED AT A GUY AND SAW A "FRIEND"!
I LOOKED AT A GUY AND SAW A "BROTHER"!
I LOOKED AT A GUY AND SAW "ME"!
I went home that day "confused". Mom asked "hunny how was your day?"
I say, it was "fine"
And when I say I am "fine" or it was "fine"
I mean I am not "fine" I am completely terrified and whatever it is will shot through me like a bullet through the head!
🔵Sophomore year
Through boyfriend after boyfriend and girlfriend after girlfriend, I still found myself in a time of "confusion"!
Thinking to myself?!!
Will I ever completely love a girl or will I ever completely love a guy? Will my mom approve? The world will never know! Will she kick me out the house because I am not what she wants to be?! Will I OR Am I a disappointment?!
Coming out as Bi and still "confused" didn't click in my head because I failed to realize that I loved girls and nothing was gonna stop me from being "me"
From girlfriend after girlfriend. It made me realize that I loved girls more than guys!
So here I am! At home still in "confusion"! But yet made up my mind in my heart that I was a lesbian! The tomboy I once was was gone! Freeing me from "confusion"
🔵Junior Year
Summer is here! And I was ready to party! Came out as lesbian to my mom! Afraid she was gonna laugh and throw me out! Instead she said "I love you the way you are no matter what or who you choose to love"
Hearing that made something inside me crack like the way a squirrel cracks open a nut he finds buried in the earth's surface!
Through the gay jokes and the gay insults I hear from my family each and every year! My mom loves me no matter what! That "confusion" made me find "hope" and "peace". Coming out helped me to find my true self and who I am not only "physically" but "mentally"
"Physically" I am a black. Mixed. Beautiful woman
"Mentally" I am a sweet charming man
I didn't have to hide anymore nor be "confused"
That's when I met my amazing girlfriend who made "confusion" turn into "love"
This was written on November 26, 2016
YOU ARE READING
Times of "Confusion"
PoetryI was a lost soul trying to find out who I was and now I've found out who I am. I hope you enjoy!
