Hurt and Injured (DISCONTINUED)

Did I move on?!

NO! im not going to dwell on my past anymore. i need to move on. im happy so why should i be unhappy?

But, i cant, i cant let go.

Monday February 10, 2014

I was walking down the hall to my locker when suddenly i got dizzy, my head felt light. it was just weird, as i fainted Ahmed got me in his arms. the first thought was; thank allah his muslim! Lol.

I got a tingly feeling in me, like a thousand butterflies were having a party. I bit my lip, and said thanks. My sleeve slipped up a bit while he put me down. He stared at my wrists.

He was surprised. I felt ashamed. He started asking me why i did it, if i was ok. For some reason i felt open enough to tell him everything, how i feel, what happened in my past that's made me this way.

The bell rung and it was time to go to class. I felt different. Like the world changed. I asked myself is this what love is?

I came home, and for the first time in days i didn't cut. I completely forgot about it. I kept daydreaming of him. I kept dreaming of my wedding.

Did i change? Did i move on with my past? Was it love that i was missing?

But i still get pain from memories, in the day i distract myself by thinking of him, but at night, i still feel pain. It still hurts.

It was only a month of not cutting, and something at school had happened, something that hurt me so much.

I had an argument, with one of my closest friends. She said i was too "clingy" and that she didn't like me. Ok she didn't say that to my face, she sent me a message. a few paragraphs. explaining how, she doesn't want to be friends and that im too clingy, that she doesn't like me. she said that quite a few times.

Each word stung like a deep burn, my chest hurt so much, i cried for hours. I them sent her a message:

"You know what?! You aren't worth my time. I hate you, and your damn sympathy"

It hurt me, to hurt her.

I ignored her the whole week, crying and cutting each night.

My arms dripped of blood every night. It's really weird, because when i cut i love the tingling sensation, i feel in control.

But at the end of the week i couldn't take it anymore, i loved her like a sister, i couldn't hate her.

I talked to her again. But we weren't "officially" friends yet.

After a month of the "fight" we were talking about it. I them asked my friend how she felt when i was ignoring her, acting as if she wasn't there.

She told me that all of a sudden her problems went away, she was having the time of her life, while i was f****** suffering!!!! That hurt me so much, i felt like ending my life. I thought "oh look, as soon as i left she was happy, why dont i leave forever?"

When i got home, i took a piece of paper and made an outline. An outline of death.

I then talked to Emily, told her everything, then cried, before i went to sleep my arms were covered in blood.

The next day at school:

"Asalamualaykhum (greetings in islam), how are you Anika?" Said Ahmad.

"Walaykhum asalam(reply to greetings in islam) im fine, how 'bout you?" I replied

But he saw in my eyes that i wasn't ok.