I watched her. She was crying. Then she stopped crying and stood. She turned toward me. The way she looked terrified me. There was no light in her eyes. No hope, no happiness. Just complete despair and sadness. But even those were dulled. It was as if she could not stand another moment. Before I continue, it would be good to give you a little back story. She is one of my best friends. She is amazing. She is really supportive and beautiful. She also has been struggling with self-harm and depression for a few years. I am dating a girl who bullied her for three years. I didn't know this until a few weeks ago. Today, we were hanging out at the park. Then my girlfriend came over to us. She started bullying Jessica. She called her every bad name I could think of, then asked why she thought she was good enough to hang out with us. Jessica started crying. Then she stood up. She told my girlfriend, Cassie, that she was no longer scared of her but she needed her to stay out of her life. Then she looked at me. I don't know why but all I could tell her was to go away and stop talking to me. Forever. Back to the story. She started walking away quickly. I followed her and we ended up at her special place. (Under a secluded bridge over a small creek) no one goes there and you can't see under it from the road. Jessica liked it because she could be alone there. I was the only other person that knew about it. I stood behind a bush and watched her. She took out a notebook and started writing letters. Then she took out envelopes and put the letters in them. She wrote names on them. There were letters to her parents, me, and her other best friend. She put them beside her. Then she reached into her backpack again and pulled out a gun. She made sure it was loaded. Then she started crying again. She just sat there and cried and cried. She was shaking and breathing really really fast. Then she stopped crying and put the gun to her head. That's when I walked in. I think I was screaming but I'm not sure. She looked up and put the gun down. I was crying a lot and I couldn't really talk. I asked her not to kill herself. She looked up at me. It was the scariest moment of my entire life. All she said was:
"Its not worth it anymore. There is nothing left. Go away." She looked completely exhausted. Like she couldn't even say another word. She finally closed her eyes and whispered "Just go away. You can hurt me more if you want to, but if you're done, just leave. I understand that you don't care anymore. I just need you to leave."
I couldn't stop crying. I was looking at her and I was just losing everything. I realized how much I cared about her... I couldn't deal. She was sitting there with her eyes closed. Tears were falling down her cheeks, and she was shaking. I just knelt down and put my arms around her. I think she hated me a lot in that moment. I also think she would have pushed me away but she didn't have any strength left. I backed away and asked her not to die. She opened her eyes and looked at me. Then she passed out. I carried her back to my house (It's not far from there) and put her on the couch downstairs. My parents were both gone, so I didn't have to worry about them seeing her. She woke up a few minutes later and started looking for the gun. I was holding it. She tried to get it from me. I threw it across the room. Then I held her on the couch. She just struggled. She didn't make a sound. Not one. I was so scared that I didn't even know what to do. I just held her there for a while. She was staring at me. I think I started crying again. Then I showed her some texts. They were between me and Cassie. Right after the fight. Cassie had been talking about how we broke Jessica and how awesome it was.. I broke up with her and said I hated her and never to talk to me ever again. Then I started talking to Jessica. I said I love you over and over. I could tell she still didn't believe me and she would not make one noise. After a while I stopped trying and just sat by her on the couch. She started having a really bad panic attack and couldn't breathe. She was crying and really scared. I held her and cried with her because I couldn't believe that I had done this to her. I was so scared to let her leave that night.. So scared that I would wake up and she wouldn't be there anymore. I let her leave, then I cried for a really long time. I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I couldn't believe that I had broken someone like that. I woke up and she was gone. She shot herself later that night. I went to her funeral and I couldn't even talk to anyone or look at anyone. All I could do was cry and wish that it had never happened. This is the letter she wrote to me.
Dear Jacob, I love you. You will always be considered one of my best friends by everyone. You helped me through so much. Thanks for being there for me so many times. I understand why you don't care anymore.. Cassie is really important to you. I understand that. I'm sorry you have to miss me, but you will be okay. Maybe it won't even matter... I don't know. Anyways... Love you.. Jessica
