"Hey, so you wanna hang after school?" Phil asks me in maths class. I almost say yes, then I remember I have stupid therapy again.
I wish I could, but I'm doing some stuff with Alice after school. I lie. I feel terrible, but I can't tell him why I really can't hang out.
"Oh that sucks. Tomorrow maybe? You could sleep over at my house. Well you don't have to if you dont want to." He says.
No that sounds great. I tell him. He smiles but I still feel bad.
After school Alice drives me to therapy even though I beg to just go home the whole time.
"Dan, it'll help you. I know you said she pushes you but that's what therapists are supposed to do." She says. She pulls up to the building and stops the car.
I don't want to go. It hurts to remember. I sign.
"I know it does, but you have to push your boundaries. It'll be fine." She says.
Please don't make me. I sign desperately.
She gets out of the car and I follow.
Alice please. I sign. She opens the door and leads me inside.
"Daniel Howell, here for Dr Jackson." She says.
"She'll be right with you." The receptionist says. Alice signs me in. Though I'm taller than Alice by a bit, I feel pretty small and weak waiting for my therapist to come get me.
"You'll be fine hun, it'll be over before you know it. I'll see you soon." She says. She kisses the top of my head, which is a first, then leaves me there in the lobby.
"Hello Daniel, how are you today?" I hear a voice ask. I turn around and see Dr Jackson's smiling face.
I'm okay. I respond.
"Well that's good. Follow me, we'll go to my office." She says.
I follow her through the cramped hallways of this building until we reach her room. She tells me to take a seat anywhere, just like last time. I sit on the small grey couch across from her chair.
"Okay Daniel, first, is there anything you would like to talk about?" She asks. I shake my head.
"Okay. I have a few more questions about what we talked about last time, if you're ready." She says. 'If you're ready'.. bullshit. She said that last time and I said I wasn't ready but she still asked me and forced an answer out of me.
I'm not ready, nor will I ever be ready. But that didn't stop you last time, so I can only assume it won't stop you this time. I sign. She sighs in response.
"Okay, so last time you said that your father killed you, by drowning you, why do you think that you're dead?" She asks.
Well that's not as bad as last time.
Well he killed my soul and things about me. I'm very literally dead inside.
"But not physically dead. I just wanted to clear up that you know you are alive and here." She says. I nod. I'm not an idiot.
"Why did your father do this to you?" She asks. I shake my head, the insults of his reasoning being thrown at me.
"Well, did your father do anything other then drown you?" She asks. I wait a moment before nodding.
"What did he do?" She asks. I close my eyes.
Beating. I sign. My hands are shaking.
"Okay, did he do anything else?" She asks. I nod, and before she can even ask I tell her.
Electrocution. I sign. The tingly sensation of being shocked is in my fingertips. Not real. Not real. I tell myself.
"How did he do that?" She asks. I'm sent into a flashback.
~~
"Help! Mom! Please help me he's going to kill me!" I scream. No response. I squirm against my father's grip as he drags me into the bathroom.
The bathtub is already full, to the brim. I'm forced into it and he holds my head down.
Though I'm underwater, I open my eyes and mouth, my mouth to scream though. Only water fills my mouth and enters my lungs.
I struggle, trying to punch away my father's arms, but he just pushes my back harder into the bottom of the tub.
He pulls me up by my hair, but it's not long enough that I can get a breath. I'm shoved back in the water.
I actually think I'm about to die. White dots are appearing in my fading vision in this ice cold water.
I'm not lucky enough to die, though. He pulls me out then. I gasp for air and cough up water.
He pulls my weak form to the corner, where he then attaches a small machine to my chest and arms. I hear a faint beeping sound, then I'm in so much pain.
This prickling and burning sensation fills me, my nerves feel like they're on fire. I scream. And scream. I want to die.
~~
I'm not sure when the flashback stopped, or when real life started again. All I know is that I'm screaming.
Dr Jackson tries her best to calm me down, but ends up ending out session early and calling Alice.
Alice feels bad for me, so she doesn't try to tell me that she is disappointed or that I have to go again. Even though I know I will have to go back.
The second we get home I go right to my room. I cry my eyes out, which is really pathetic if you ask me.
Phil doesn't come to save me this time either. I'm all alone. Just a freak who has too many issues.
YOU ARE READING
silence//phan
Fanfiction[ON HOLD] dan howell has been in foster care for 3 years. when he moves into a new home, he expects everything to be the same deal. bullies, feeling like a freak, and being given back within a few months. then he meets phil. phil has had his own sha...
