Oh no!
Oh god no!
How could I forget?
The chorus of my idiot thoughts, flow through my idiot self like a mantra, as I drive.
I turn to look at the flower in the backseat all toxins far from my brain as I had thrown it all up the moment the boys were gone; to be honest nothing has seemed this clear in a long time.
Tightening my grip on the steering wheel I push the gas petal a little harder.
"I hate myself. I hate myself so much!"
I scream to the night air, that surrounds my car in darkness.
I reach across to the seat next to mine for a cigarette hoping to take the edge off my over active brain, as I re-live the memory of my mothers death over and over again.
The scene of my father coming home and screaming, I had burst into tears praying she wakes up, she never does.
And now I see a thousand copies of her dead body lying on the road in front of me, I drive over each one, abandoning her the same way I had all those years ago.
I curse finding the cigarette box empty, but with a glance back of the tulip I continue driving knowing there's no time to stop.
My heart races in my chest paining me as I get closer to the cemetery.
My brain whispers words I've been keeping to myself. Of darkness and shadows, people tend to stay away from.
I see a bright light appear in front of me followed by an image of my mother rising from the corpse on the side of the road.
Despite knowing it's all in my head, I feel each muscle in my body tighten, screaming it's real. Then the figure points straight toward the light.
I don't understand what she wants until I see the source of light and cop car flashing lights.
I grab the flower from the back seat and throw it to my mother.
She whispers "It's beautiful over there." The voice I haven't heard in so long flowing through the air like music.
"It's beautiful." I repeat. She disappears the flower falling to the ground is the last thing I see.
I feel the car vibrate as it smashes straight into another, the steering wheel jams into my chest, and yet I feel no pain.
Everything seems to move in an unworldly slow motion giving me time to think.
It's funny isn't it? Wanting to die young and it still being an accident. Maybe it was my mothers way of revenge, more likely my own though.
I begin laughing hysterically though maybe it's not out loud, I wouldn't know at this point, as I feel like in some in between point of this world and another time.
"Straight and fast." I whisper to the still night air just before everything finally ends.
