50 Days Of Grey (#Wattys2015)

{ t w e n t y - o n e } : past and future

xxi : once

❝sometime in the past❞

[Day 24]

I wished I could turn back time. I wished at that moment, things weren't 'okay' with me and him. I wished that everything between us was back to before, vengeful and hateful. But I should also be happy too, right? Because he's opening up to me? Because he's telling me how he feels about things? But I'm not. Truthfully and honestly I'm not. But hey, I have no right to complain... Only listen.

So I sat there at the dinner table as he blabered on about 'her' and how she was really funny and kind. And it sort of felt awkward for everyone, especially having me at the table and us being close. They stared at me sympathetically like I was breaking inside, which was true, but they didn't have to know that... Right?

I sighed, "Excuse me, I'm going to go bring Mom's food up." I say quietly, with a somewhat convincing smile.

"Oh right! I'll come with you!"

"NO! I mean.. I'll do it.." I say slapping myself internally for seeming too eager to get away.

"But you won't hear the end of the story! You need to know!" You say, a frown on your lips.

"Ahhh.. But Beth also needs to eat. Go on, Julianne, bring the food up." Tanner says with a wink.

I send a grateful look to Tanner and proceed to bring Mom's food up.

You seemed so happy with Monica. I would hear her name frequently pass through your lips and it hurt.. But thats okay that means I won't have to hurt you as bad again.. When I leave once more.

I walk up the stairs with the tray, my hands gripping the sides needing to have a moment alone with my mom.

I enter her room with a knock, seeing my mom on the bed tucked under the covers, eyes shut and breathing deeply. I walk towards her night stand placing the food there..

I try to shake her awake, "Mum.."

She stirs, "Mum.. It's dinner time.. I brought your food.."

She stirs once more and two words that could possibly break my hurt came out of her lips, "My baby.."

I close my eyes.. The image of her calling me that each time she calmed down when she was drunk. Kelly was always the understanding one,

taking care of her each time she became like that.. But I just stood there and watched her sway in, heels in hand, her blouse wrinkled, pencil skirt twisted in a strange way.

Maybe that's why she loved Kelly so much.. Maybe that's why they loved Kelly so much.

I didn't let myself dwell on it, over the years I learned to block thoughts like that, shoving them to the back of my mind.. Knowing that was the only way to stay sane. To prove to them that I may be weak, but I'm not desperate enough to give myself into the relief of defeat.. No I was too strong for that.. Too proud to admit defeat.

I walked to my room, forgetting about the dinner going on down stairs and deciding to just take a rest.

I sat myself down on the floor in front of the bed facing the closet, my eyes squeezed shut, my heart beating painstakingly slow, the lights off in the room, my mind going a hundred miles per hour.

I don't know how long I sat there like that.. Just imagining something apart from the past.. My mind pushing itself into the future though my thoughts pushed to the past. My heart was numb, and I couldn't breath, not in such a room, filled with the past. Not in such a room that screamed the irony of the past. I couldn't let myself indulge in this pleasure.

Before I could continue trying to get ahold of my emotions and myself, you knock at the door.

"Julianne? May I come in?" You ask, your voice so painfully sincere and soft.

I sigh, running both hands down my face trying to get myself to snap back to reality, "Uh, yeah.. Go on, come in." I respond shortly after.

You open the door slowly, "Why is it so dark in here, vampire?" You ask, and the light from the hallway illuminates your smile and you couldn't have looked anymore perfect that in that moment.

"I, uh, no reason.." I say.

"May I join you? I want to know what it feels like to sit on the floor, in front of the closet with all the lights off, like a creepy person." You respond in a teasing but happy tone, smiling as if you had the whole world in your hands and you couldn't be happier.

You sit down next to me and a couple seconds of silence fills the space between us and we're inches apart, shoulder to shoulder staring at nothing.

"Uhh.. So I don't get it.. What are we looking at here?" You ask.

I smile and look towards you and you look towards me, "That's the thing, Chance, we're not looking at anything or looking for anything.. I'm simply visiting the bright corners of my imagination at this moment."

You stare into my eyes for what seemed like ages and you took all the pain away, all those thoughts, the depression, the loneliness.. I didn't have to push it back.. It was somehow scared of you and the sadness hid on it's own.. I think, somehow knowing.. You we're the cure for all this.

I looked away first, staring now at the shadows the moon cast on my bedroom floor, the outline of leaves and the window pane clearly illustrated in grey's, black's, and white's.

"What are you thinking of?" You suddenly ask.

"The future.." I say in a small voice and I think I should say something more, "You?"

"The past..." You say and somehow. I know that in that past you see me, and I smile, sincerely, truly, joyfully this time.

❝so maybe we're so busy preparing for the future and thinking of the future that we forget the past and lose sight of our purpose for the future.❞