Do you still remember? We used to be best buds, we hang out a lot. We shared so much of each other, there's not a thing we don't knew about one another.
You used to be my umbrella, cause, Geez, bringing one is such a vain. You shed me from heat of sun rays, we walk hand in hand, arm to arm, we almost put rhythm to our foot.
I remember how flustered I got when a warm embrace sheltered all of my shy bones and put at ease from my agony. That was weirdly good, I almost got a heart attack and my stomach, maybe that's what they called butterflies feelings.
Do you still remember how our faces turned tomato red, when our classmates tease us, being a good partner they've ever witnessed?
I'm such a clutch, and you made fun of it almost every time, but the thing is, I never get mad at you. I have found my self smiling ear to ear, laughing with your nonsense joke only I can get.
You do remember how you teach me to strum a guitar, do you? Each chords, and notes, I don't remember any, any of those, for a simple reason that my eyes we're fixated with your smile.
Oh! I remember the time, the time you come rushing from computer lab and excitedly grining at me, you surprised me with numerous paramore songs you downloaded while your adviser was out, you talk, and tell me the whole story while you were laughing so hard as if the whole day has been so good to you.
Also that day when, we have to join Math Olympics just because you're one of the officer of the club, even though I have fare share of loathe and disdain to the subject itself, it was a breezy afternoon there I was just figuring out, or atleast try to look like I was figuring out the problem. I was so overly conscious with you as station manager, thankfully one of our classmates took the paper on my hand and solve the problem.
That one afternoon you asked for a bedtime baby powder because it smells nice and wanted to sleep.
I also had a serious scolding from you, just because I entertained the idea of being text girlfriend of my previous friend, which honestly I just did to make you aware that I'm a teenage girl too, someone is interested in me so you better catch up with my feelings.
But above all of the things and moments I remember, was that you always make sure to remind me that you love her, that even though I confuses you many times, she is still that girl that you choose. You even asked me to forget about you.
I still remember when I said the most shameless thing to you, when you want me to forget all about you, "are you for real? Not because you have a girlfriend I will stop being your friend, forget? That's impossible, not unless I got hit by a truck, and suffered from amnesia" which I am really contemplating as to why dear God did not just dramatically make me forget you, well not to the point that I'd rather hit by a truck for who knows how I might recover from that.
I assured you with lies, that, I can remain by your side as a friend. When we both know and feel that you're more than just a friend for me.
Time pressured me to get bitter, and forcely abade the love I have been feeling. And that really hurts, I always secretly cried, I had master an art of soundless cry in order to keep us smiling ear to ear.
Then there's the time I asked my self with whys. Why do I keep on holding on? Why do I still love you? Why am I hurting so bad, that I can only think of how we used to be and how we should be. But nevertheless we end up being so fucked up that we even started to hate each other, or it's just you? Ah, yeah that's how I got to moved on.
First I got hurt, and cried all night with my wasted feelings.
Then I hated you for actually, breaking me even though, I actually bring my self for it.
Then I pretend, I pretend that my love for you never actually existed, convincing my self that it's just infatuation-look-I-can-laugh-my-ass-out.
Then realization of pain hits me again, that I wrote numerous of poems, prose, short stories, and open letters to deal with the pain, only to be burned and deleted.
Then I accepted that I was in pain because what I felt was real, it's not just a dreamy crush or fleeting infatuation, I experienced for the first time, Love, that it took me years and years of moving on.
Then finally I said, ah I had enough this time let's move on for real.
That's how I move on, I got stuck living with our past and passed memories, accepting that there's never been us, that all we had is forced memories stuck in my head, which I'm glad to look back now that I healed from you but never from the shattered heart I left with.
I dare to say that I won't never love someone the way I loved you before. You had became the boundaries and limitations of how much I can love but you made me realize because of those limitations, that I also need to love myself in the process.
Thank you for letting me experience, genuine love, heartbreak, and moving on.
And if ever I have crossed your mind, please be assured that next time you dmed me I'll reply my dear friend.
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