Lost in Life

Introduction to My Melancholy Life.

**LISTEN TO THE ABOVE WHILE READING THIS CHAPTER**

Josephine's POV

Another week. Another Monday. I am all but sleep walking. My brother finds it amusing that I am always tired. I always get in bed at 9:30, but he doesn't know what happens after that. The evil that is Netflix, it sucks me in.

I walk through the office towards Mrs. Carlisle's office. Saying good morning to the secretary with the best smile I could summon. For some reason I can make even the grumpiest of secretaries give a small smile.

I knock on Mrs. Carlisle's door as I say good morning.

"Hello Josephine! What can I do for you this morning?"

Ugh this chipperness is nauseating.
"I was just wondering if I could have another Library pass for my ASL class."I replied as monotone as I could.

My American Sign Language class has yet to have a teacher. Halfway through the semester and no teacher. So I get stuck with the crummy substitutes that 'let us' Socialize with our 'friends'. Oh joy. Well thanks but no thanks. For I have been blessed with an invisible target plastered to my back. The butt of all jokes. The direction of all insults. The standard of "loser". Socialization as a reward is for people that 1. Enjoy it. And 2. Are not harassed by the majority of their peers. So I've been getting passes to the library to either read or do extra credit work. Hopefully Mrs. Carlisle won't try to encourage me to "Give it another try".

She cocks her head with a empathetic look. "Still no teacher for that class?"

I would love to say, Um you're the one that works in the Main Office, Shouldn't you know?!? But alas all I can do is replace my mask of calm and simply reply,

"Nope."

She opened her mouth as if she were about to say something more but wisely decided against it.
"Okay Josephine, I understand that the situation of this class is particularly more difficult for it than it is for others. As long as you agree to eat in the Cafeteria today."

Of course. I knew the second she hesitated when she was about to say something thing else a moment ago that she was going to try to bargain with me. Well she doesn't know that I know the ins and outs of that cafeteria. If I take great care I could make it through he entire lunch period without even being seen.

"Okay,"

"And before you tell me something about having a project to finish..."

Oh! Project to finish. That would have been brilliant. Next time. I snap out of scheming the next lunchtime scenario long enough to realize that Mrs. Carlisle is still listing the importance of peer socialization.

"Uh Ms. Carlisle, I said okay. I don't have any work to make up I'm a straight a student."

She blinked a few times. Shook her head and said "Oh of course I forget that your situation is a unique one."

Unique. How many more ways can there be to say pain in my butt. Oh my lord. I don't think I can take anymore of this conversation.

"Yeah, well, okay. So can I get a pass to the library then."

She look up from her daze and shakes her head realizing that she once again went off on a tangent. I honestly don't know how she can be in charge of so many kids IEP's.

"Oh yes. Of course here you go."

She hands me the note, as I mumble a thank you, and I'm out the door before she can even say you're welcome.

I don't understand why some adults always see the need to try to better me, or "improve my life" or whatever line they're reciting from some self help book.

I'm shaken from my thoughts as I turn a corner and ram into a body, causing me to land flat on my back.

I don't understand why high schoolers of all people don't understand to walk on the right side of the hallways. which includes turning corners. They spend all their time dreaming of driving, and sitting through drivers ed class and then once they set foot out of that classroom they forget everything.

The person I pummeled into helps me stand, and I look up to murmur a small apologize and cower away, I find the most detailed green eyes I have overseen in my entire life. It is almost as if his irises contain every shade of green known to man. They are like a deep emerald around the edges and fades into a almost kiwi green with flecks of teal all throughout.

Wait. Why did I refer to the color as kiwi-ish. I don't even like kiwi. That is so stupid. I hate the way mind works sometimes. I can't leave it at kiwi, I need something better than that. Well it definitely isn't a clover color. I would say maybe an apple Jolly Rancher but I don't like those either.

Once again I am jerked from my thoughts when I realize that the person I ran into has been speaking to me this entire time and is now staring at me like I grew a third head. I quickly looked to my feet, my hands shaking. I can still feel his eyes on me.

"Are you oka..."

"uhi'msorrymybad" I rushed out. All I wanted to do was climb into my bed and burrow under the covers for the rest of my life.

I just stand there absolutely frozen. I can't think of anything but me skin feeling likes on fire.

I peek up through my hair to see him opening and closeting his mouth trying to speak but unable to find the words.

"Don't worry abou..."

He doesn't get to finish his statement because I turn around and sprint the other direction. I feel like my skin is crawling with fire. My heart is racing and my hands are shaking uncontrollably. I look at my watch to see how late I am to class and realize that that's entire ordeal was two minutes. How can something so traumatic be so minute.

Seeing that I still have a 3 minutes before class, and am now taking the long way to class, I stop in the bathroom and head straight to the broken sink. I hate that just because something isn't working the way it should, it is automatically classified as 'broken'.  All thats wrong with it is that the 'hot water' is technically just 'not as cold water'. And the cold water is technically 'warm water in Antartica'.  Not that any of this matters. 

Once I finally realize that my hand is under cold water I look up into the mirror trying to just breathe. My train of thought is constantly traveling at warp speed and no amount of breathing will slow it down. In the amount of time it took me to walk from the door of the bathroom to the sink I had a mini rant about broken sinks. 

And of course what is the first thing your mind does when you are thinking about a problem. You  come up with solutions. And the darkest part of my soul is always able to push its way to the front and give me the best solution of all. Die.

The unfortunate thing is that it makes sense. The thing I have probably wished for the most in my life is to shut off my brain. The way to do it, kill myself. I'm not saying that I will kill myself, but it is the most logical solution. 

I feel a drop of something on my skin and I painfully snap back into reality. I look into the mirror to see that I've been crying. 

'What am I even in here for? ' I yell at myself in my head. 

I take a look at what I've been doing and just close my eyes willing my mind to get a grip. When I open them, returning to reality, I dry my hands, slide the sleeves of my too big hoodie back down to my knuckles. Breathing slowly I take one last glance at the mirror thinking 'This is as good as it gets'  and pull my hood up and over my forehead so that I can gain a small amount of peace from a small amount of solitude.